I get it. I’m going to hell for wearing fishnets and throwing it back to songs from the Muppets Movie, and I have accepted that because Ms. Piggy could definitely choke me out with her boa. That still won’t stop me from shaming you for committing any of these sins, because honestly the ‘seven’ get too much attention and it’s time we knock them down a peg.
- Patriotism-Put away the 4th of July fireworks and the hot dogs. Save us from the Facebook rants about the “greatest country in the world.” Instead of voting go to confession. Reconsider who you sided with in Civil War.
- Worry– School got you stressed? Waiting on a paycheck? Scared of bible thumpers? Throw out that Xanax and chill out dawg. Otherwise you’re not making it to eternal happiness. No pressure tho.
- Gossip– No, I don’t want to hear about what happened with that girl I went to high school with. I’m above that. But I also heard that she…
- Astrology– The Dalai Lama invested in the CoStar app. This was the best reactionary move.
- Eating Blood– Disney ignored my numerous petitions to get My Babysitter’s A Vampire off the air. Fine! Keep exposing our impressionable youth to blasphemous blood-drinking plus I know those depraved kids from Jessie believed in evolution.
- Joking/Jesting– I really became the Sawdust editor to identify potential sinners in our ranks. I’m praying for you.
- Cursing the Rich– Stop blaming all your problems on Bezos. He has enough money to fix most of them, but not helping your neighbor when you have the means to is also a sin, so it’ll all even out in the end.
- Getting Drunk– 99% sure it was Jesus who turned water into wine. He’s like that kid who would ask you out in middle school just to make fun of you for having a crush on them. Good bullying tactic, bad holiness tactic.
- Filthy Dreams– My roommate has reported me calling out Steve Buscemi’s name in my sleep. No comment.
- Listening to Fables- Yes, Hansel and Gretel is a story condemning gluttony that children can easily understand. Just read the bible to your youngsters instead.
- Not Bearing Good Fruit-Did your son just say he wants to play lacrosse? Bad news for you.
- Women Speaking in Church– We all know what happened to that harlot Anne Hutchinson.
- Fullness of Bread– Can we all just agree to ignore this one? If the bible was written over a round of hearty bread bowls we all know this would have been edited out during copy 1.
- Idols- As a child I used to be nervous I was going to hell for watching American Idol with my family because it meant I was worshipping falsely. That’s how you know your faith works.
- Hunting– Fun fact, squirrel meat tastes like steak. Don’t ask me how I know that.
- Being Vegetarian– Good thing hypocrisy is also a sin.
- Scoffing- Puh! Well. I don’t approve of this one.
- Planning for Tomorrow– I threw out my planner last week for Jesus. My Sakai has been blowing up. Probably congratulations for my impressive faith.
- Mocking Sin- Well… this does not look great for me.
Your editor who does think priest’s robes look really comfortable,