Ride that ass like the Kentucky Derby, am I right?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the only top 10 list where equestrian excellence
meets a good ‘ol fashioned strip tease. For the Year of the Horse, we’re counting down the greatest racehorse names to inspire all the male strippers out there struggling to find an on-stage identity.
10. Best Mate
Best Mate wasn’t just some polite, British-sounding horse. He was a National Hunt titan who dominated the early 2000s, winning three consecutive Cheltenham Gold Cups from
2002–2004. As a stripper name, Best Mate sounds kind and approachable. Absolute legend and the kind of horse who looked at a fence and said, “that’s cute.” If you’re going to ride anything, metaphorically of course, ride it like Best Mate.
9. Man O’ War
Racing from 1919 to 1920, Man O’ War won 20 of his 21 starts and humiliated the
competition so thoroughly that tracks had to invent new ways to handicap him just to make races more interesting. Man O’ War gives main character energy. If you’re entering a room, enter it like Man O’ War entered a track with an undefeated aura, dramatic lighting, and orchestral music in the background.
8. The Exterminator
Racing from 1917 to 1924, The Exterminator started as a modest purchase but went on
to win 50 of his 100 starts, including the 1918 Kentucky Derby. Other than that, The
Exterminator was generally an unremarkable racehorse. But hey, the name goes crazy.
7. California Chrome
Winner of the 2014 Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes, California Chrome was the
feel-good story of the decade. Bred for relatively little money, he shattered expectations and became a global star, racing successfully in Dubai and earning millions. He’s the glow-up king. Started as an underdog, or should I say underhorse, and ended as a global superstar.
6. Wise Dan
A two-time Horse of the Year (2012, 2013), Wise Dan dominated on turf and became
one of the highest-earning racehorses in North America. A Wise Dan once said, “work smarter, not harder.” That is the exact energy you should channel when choreographing your routine.
5. John Henry
Named after the American folk hero who raced against a steam drill, John Henry the
horse became a symbol of grit and perseverance. He won 39 stakes races and was Horse of the Year twice (1981 and 1984), racing successfully well into his later years. Blue-collar icon. Maybe we are putting too much stress on finding extravagant performer names.John Henry might even be your name already, dear reader. Why change it?
4. Deep Impact
A Japanese superstar from 2004–2006, Deep Impact won seven Grade 1 races and
captured the hearts of fans across Japan. After retiring, he became one of the most influential sires in modern breeding history, shaping generations of champions. The name alone is incredible branding. When you show up, leave a Deep Impact. Ew. I’ll workshop this one.
3. Storm Cat
Storm Cat had a solid racing career, but his true fame came as a stallion. In the 1990s, he became one of the most sought-after sires in the world, passing on speed and earning staggering stud fees. Storm Cat feels like a nickname you would use to refer to one of your high school friends. It is intense, quirky, and truly rolls o? the tongue.
2. Secretariat
The 1973 Triple Crown winner who shattered records in the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont Stakes, and all records that still stand. His 31-length victory in the Belmont is the stu? of legend. For all my fellow non-equestrians out there, that is like, really good. The name Secretariat holds lots of power and demands attention.
1. Seabiscuit
The undersized underdog of the 1930s, Seabiscuit became a Depression era hero,
winning 33 of 89 races and capturing the attention of a struggling nation. He wasn’t bred like royalty or physically imposing, but he had the true spirit. Sometimes you don’t need perfect form, you just need heart and a crowd willing to scream your name.
Sophie Glassman is a junior Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who never backs the wrong horse. They can be contacted at sglassman@ithaca.edu.