The following text exchange has been retrieved by Buzzsaw Magazine as part of its research into the relationship between humanity and the planet Earth:
Marina: Hey all, I’m not trying to call anyone out but I am full of garbage and I definitely did not put it there. I know it can be kind of a hassle to make sure you dispose of every single thing you use in the proper way (especially those pesky single-use items) but please try to avoid just shoving them in my face. Believe me, I don’t want it around me just as much as you don’t. Oil actually does not taste good! Friendly reminder that it’s not really good for anyone to be guzzling that down all day!!!! It also makes me look all weird and shiny and just kind of sits on top of me, so PLEASE stop dumping hundreds of gallons of it into me. I can only accept it as an accident so many times. And not to overshare, but it also does really mess with my insides when you guys just carelessly fill me with trash. I think all of my coral is starting to lose its color and my turtles are choking like every day. I know you guys like them, so hopefully that will make you act a little more considerate. I really hope I don’t have to say this again! ?
Flora: While we’re calling people out, someone cut down my cousin last week and I’m really mad about it. I get that you need factories or mills or whatever but maybe plan ahead of time? You really need to build those in the middle of nowhere when I’ve lived here for hundreds of years? And not to get on my high horse but lots of other plants have it so much worse than I do. My neighbor was telling me that he has relatives that live near a farm and they have to deal with all of the chemicals you love to lather on us. This is so disgusting OMG I know you wouldn’t like the taste of hexachlorobenzene and I find it kind of insulting that you assume we do. Also, their soil sucks because some of you take such bad care of it but they’ve just learned to deal with that. I think we need to be a little bit more considerate of each other’s spaces from now on. Really crazy that I even need to say that.
Fauna: Hey I just wanted to chime in and add on to what everyone has been saying. Things have been pretty crazy on my end for a while now, like things are kind of just dying left and right. A bunch of really cool animals have died recently and they are not supposed to just do that! It’s really traumatizing when a bunch of random humans I don’t even know come into my neighborhood and shoot my friends. Idk who killed that rhino last week, but even though he was kind of annoying, he used to host a really good block party and now I’m probably going to have to do it, so thanks. It’s getting so bad that I heard people at the watering hole talking about migration and I rlyyy don’t want to have to do that. So please stop killing us! PS: I know they’re a pain for you guys too but can you try to do something about the natural disasters??? They just create a huge mess and we always have to just graze around them. Sorry if I’m being nitpicky I think this is just a lot of built-up stuff. That’s all from me.
Airon: While we’re complaining, everyone says I smell like shit but it’s literally not even my fault. You guys are always filling me with chemicals from the aforementioned factories and it’s disgusting! I can smell me too and I agree that it’s a problem but you guys started it! I can’t control the way my atmosphere responds to everything you pump into it. The whole smog thing is just a natural reaction so if you hate it so much, do something about it! And not to be gross but I get really bad acid reflux and I know that freaks you guys out but again, YOU have to fix it!!! Rain doesn’t just appear, Einstein. You also damaged the hell out of my ozone layer which I worked really hard on and now there’s a giant hole in it. I hope all the cheap hairspray and fossil fuels were worth it. All that’s left to say is what goes around comes around. Breathe on that.
Brian Murray is a sophomore Writing for Film, Television, and Emerging Media major. He can be reached at bmurray@ithaca.edu.