- Pulp Fiction Poster (Annoying Film Bro)
Standard dorm-issue Mia Wallace blowing smoke. Thumbtacked into drywall. Spent a half hour explaining his Letterboxd Top 4. Dick okay, rhythm nonexistent, condom broke because he stored it in his wallet since junior prom. Overall Performance: five minutes, unearned confidence, post-nut monologue about the 180-degree rule.
- Tapestry of a Mandala (Hippie Girl Who Never Showered)
Tie-dyed, probably bought on Etsy, smelled faintly of incense and mildew. Smelled like patchouli and pussy the second I walked in. She kept a crystal in her bra the entire time and “charged it” on my tits mid-hookup. She moaned like a yoga teacher being graded. Performance: Head game legendary, body odor unforgettable. Left sticky, high, and whispering a prayer for soap.
- Scarface Poster (Athlete, Drunk Hookup)
Taped above an unwashed twin XL sheet. Poster peeling at the corners, beer stains on the wall. Performance: underwhelming thrusts, overzealous “you like that?” commentary.
- Bob Marley Smoking Joint Poster (Hey Mamas Lesbian)
Crooked above a futon, the only art she owned. Briefly mentioned a 5 year relationship that ended a few minutes before I came over. Performance: impressive finger work, mediocre dirty talk, rolled a joint after.
- MLB Jersey Hung Like a Poster (Golden Retriever Boy, Gamer)
Not even framed, just duct-taped to the wall. He paused mid-sex to check if his Xbox controller light was still on. He called me “dude” twice while going down on me. I had to fake an orgasm so he’d stop asking if I was close. Performance: sweet, clumsy, came in his hand and apologized for “being too excited.”
- Kandinsky Print From IKEA (Homoerotic Best Friend of 8 Years)
She got it during sophomore year and claimed it made her “cultured.” We both ignored the obvious sexual tension for nearly a decade. Performance: messy, cathartic, eight years of “we’re just really close” combusting in one night.
- Flag of an Obscure Country He Couldn’t Place on a Map (Guy from Tinder)
Claimed it was “for the culture,” had no idea what continent the country was located in. He looked bad in every photo on his profile but good in the one angle in person where the LED lights were not on. Performance: surprisingly decent, started playing COD immediately after.
- Community Theater Production of The Cast of Cats (Girl From Intro to Acting Class)
It’s hard to stay present when Rum Tum Tugger is making direct eye contact with you from across the room. I came, unfortunately, while staring at Mr. Mistoffelees, who looked like he wanted me to clap for his card trick. Performance: overly dramatic moans, way too much eye contact, tried dirty talk but it sounded like he was auditioning for Grease (“tell me more, tell me more” vibes…).
Olivia Stemp is a senior Writing for Film, Television, and Emerging Media major who is passionate about interior dorm design. She can be contacted at ostemp@ithaca.edu