So you’re in a tough spot. You have your friend’s fake ID in one hand and your filled-to-the-brim vodka cranberry in the other. You know if you try to run, you will be restrained by the sticky floors, and he is wayyyy too close to you to fake a phone call. We have all been there…so here’s what to say when you seriously need out.
- “Oh my god, is that Billy Joel?” coupled with you pointing at the DJ or something.
Now this is a pretty safe one. I say this because it usually works for a wide range of old guys. If he is 30-50, he will definitely at least glance over. If he’s 50+, he will probably start craning his neck all willy-nilly trying to get a glimpse of said “Billy Joel”. Either way, this gives you at least a small window to combat the sticky floors and have a fair shot at running away.
- “So, who did you vote for in the 2024 presidential election?”
This line is great because it usually gets him to walk away. I don’t mean to generalize, but a lot of the older dudes that linger around college bars are white and unhappy with their lives. That is like Trump’s main demographic. Also, which candidate is a pervy white guy seeking young submissive women going to vote for: a pantsuit-wearing democratic woman of color or a fellow pervy white guy? You do the math. Despite him voting for Trump, he isn’t going to want to admit it. It’s not the kind of thing you admit in Ithaca, New York. Beyond that, he’s looking for an insecure, unaware 18-year-old he can spew his red-pilled beliefs at. He is not going to want someone to challenge him. Which then prompts the much-anticipated exit.
- “I need to go powder my nose quickly, I’ll be right back,” with a wink or flirtatious gesture.
There is definitely some nose-to-powder action happening in the Moonie’s girls’ bathroom, but I can guarantee it is not setting powder. But the great thing is, men don’t know that! Especially if they’re old, I mean, girls probably did powder their noses back in their day, so they’re not going to be suspicious. What’s great about this line is that it ends the interaction on a positive note. He gets to think he has a chance with you, and you get to make a sad old man feel wanted…that is, until he realizes that you’re not coming back.
- “I just got my period.”
A classic. Sometimes we forget about the power menstruation holds. Men are absolutely distraught when they hear anything about periods. Even the word “tampon” repulses them. Though saying “I have to go take care of my period in the bathroom” might be enough for him to let you go, I encourage you to have fun with it. Be disgusting, talk about your period blood in detail. Do you have cramps? A heavy flow? Constant diarrhea? Tell him everything. Even if you don’t menstruate, make up some appalling story. He will either run for the hills (ideal), or break eye contact with you, take a step back, and mumble, “Maybe you should take care of that”, while he tries to get the image out of his mind. Either way, you’re free.
- Play dead
Here’s where you get to be creative. There are many different deaths to fake, so choose wisely. You could go basic and just collapse onto the floor; it’ll draw attention, and no guy wants to be seen with a recently collapsed woman. However, this could lead to being escorted out, and that’s pointless! For my usual fake death, I bring a small bottle of fake blood with me to Moonie’s; it’s only ten dollars or so on Amazon. Fake blood is SO versatile for playing dead. When he’s not looking, you can drip some under your nose and around your mouth and give him a big scare! But what will freak him out the most is if you start having a really bad coughing fit, and SPLAT! You cough fake blood onto his white button-down (it’s usually a white button-down). Then you can continue coughing while you run away to the bathroom.
Though it would be great if men left us alone after buying us a drink, these five exit lines are sure to get you away from any creep!
Amelia Elliott is a sophomore Writing for Film, Television, and Emerging Media major who is not afraid to play dead. She can be reached at aelliott2@ithaca.edu