- Write your will
- It’s finally time to get back at everyone! Especially all of those Republican family members who
- It’s finally time to get back at everyone! Especially all of those Republican family members who
- Gather items for a memento display or memorial board
- Y’all better make sure I look hot!!
- Contact a legal representative
- Obviously, Jake from State Farm is the only correct answer here.
- Select a funeral home
- These are soooo expensive, why not just do it in my apartment? Oh, wait, I literally still can’t afford one. Maybe my parent’s basement will do?
- Choose a form of disposition
- OMG, those religious sacrifices always seemed so cool, where can I sign up for one of those?
- Choose a service type
- I know my family would want a military service, but what if I did a furry service where everyone had to come dressed as a furry? Plus, I never joined the Air Force like they wanted, so it’d be pretty awkward to explain that I actually can’t do that…
- Choose the location for the service
- Duh, the local park, isn’t that public property anyway? Plus, my body will already be sacrificed, so no one has to know what they’re doing.
- Schedule an officiant
- This is too much work!! My friend took the online church wedding officiator thing, does that work?
- Arrange a cemetery plot
- Did they not see the part about me being sacrificed? Like, hello, I’m not gonna need this.
- Choose a grave marker/gravestone
- Finally, my time to shine! It can read, “To all those I hated, I’ll be hiding under your bed!” ?
- Arrange the visitation for the family
- My parents were annoying anyway and I’m not even covered by their insurance anymore, why do they need to come? Plus, I’ll be sacrificed, so just scratch this part away.
- Prepare the obituary
- I told a bunch of people I was going to be in the Air Force and studying Pre-Med once I graduated, soooo is it legal for me to write that?
- Select scriptures or readings for service
- Bruh I stopped going to church like 24 years ago.
- Choose forms of media for the memorial
- Make sure the video makes people cry. Oh yeah, and make sure I look hot.
- Choose charities
- For what? I don’t have any money anyway. Oh, wait, that anti-balding charity thing looked cool.
- Purchase register book
- If you put my name at the top, that’d be so silly.
- Select a casket
- Obviously, my bed, like what’s the question here???
- Select accessories
- I really liked the Y2K trend, can I be buried with my hot pink Juicy Couture tracksuit and rhinestone BlackBerry phone?
- Choose final touches, your hair and makeup
- I’ve been wanting to dye my hair blonde and use the new Charlotte Tilbury foundation, can they do that? Also, I better look hottt.
- Select pallbearers
- So what if I screw over an ex and make them carry my casket? They always called me fat anyway, so they’ll have a time carrying it.
- Select music for the service
- The yodeling boy just came out with a new album, so let’s do that one. Or, you can never go wrong with Yeat.
- Arrange flowers
- “If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of roses… Sink me in the river AT DAWN SEND ME AWAY WITH THE WORDS OF A LOVE SONGGG…” Okay, I’ll stop.
- Arrange transportation
- Party bus woo woo! They better sing “5 Fingaz to the Face” by the Victorious Cast on that bus.
- Organize reception lunch
- McDonald’s catering for the win of course!
- Final Bucket List item
- Haunt everyone who ever doubted I couldn’t plan the dopest funeral EVERRRRRR
Stephanie Tokasz is a Senior Film, Photography & Visual Arts major who demands the Victorious Cast perform a song at her funeral. You can reach Stephanie at [email protected].