These universal women experiences should’ve really made the cut…
- when you have to awkwardly pet a guy’s dog when you go over to his house for the first time so you don’t have to try to think of something to say
- if i crouch down and pet jimmy chewtron for 5 minutes i won’t have to walk around to all of the family photos and lie about how cute he was as a child
- girl becoming besties with everyone while drunk in bathroom at a bar
- “oh my god girl he said what??? no FUCK HIM! i’m gonna beat him up. you go shake some revenge ass on that dance floor right now. no you don’t look bloated you look so sexy.” *met two minutes ago*
- a man showing you anything on his phone, from his camera roll to his hudl highlights
- “did you catch when i slightly dodged 42 and got around him? yeah i got tackled 2 seconds later but like before that, that move was so goated.” kyle. listen dude. i don’t give a flying FUCK about what you do on your D3 football team…keep it to yourself
- biting your tongue when they fuck up your nails at nail salon then getting into the car and crying. the same thing goes for haircuts.
- no it looks great. four nails that are all completely different lengths is exactly what i wanted. and the fuck ass bob instead of the shoulder length layers i asked for? the creative liberty you took is really something. wow.
- having to show your friend horrible photos of the man you’re constantly talking about, and then having to defend him
- he’s either probably holding a fish, flexing in a mirror at the gym, or his last post on social media is from his middle school dance
- “he looks so much better in person,” well it is a photo of him so he does look like that a little bit doesn’t he…
- a girl you’re no longer friends with is still wearing the clothes she borrowed from you
- if you’re out there calling me a “trifling bitchass cunt” how come you’re still wearing my brandy melville sweater?
- taking an “everything shower”
- 12 hour shower, we perform concerts, eat 3 course dinners, draw up plans for a world wide rebellion
- having hair ties leave semi permanent marks on your wrist
- but when you finally stretch em out enough, they no longer hold a ponytail
- constantly feeling slightly nauseous
- is it nerves? ibs? scared you’ll run into someone you ghosted in the dining hall? all of the above? who knows, but i constantly feel like i’m gonna puke
- talking about a topic you’ve studied for years with a man who has watched 15 minutes of a youtube video about it
- no, you don’t get it babe! derek explained it so thoroughly in his video “foods to grow an ass.” you’re just not getting enough protein, and it’s going to your stomach because you haven’t cut out carbs.
- girl dinner
- strawberries, 7 cheese sticks, a bag of takis, a shot of vodka, cigarette
- only sitting on the booth side on dinner dates
- i don’t know why this happens, it just does. chairs hurt my back, and a girl should not be put through such discomfort
- making eye contact with another woman when a man says something ridiculous
- did he really just say that margot robbie is mid?
- their first crush being freddie from icarly (maybe that was just me)
- the excitement of finding a dress that has pockets
- not needing to awkwardly hold your bag while moshing at a frat party is better news than finding a cure for cancer
- your boobs not matching your outfit
- having to pee while wearing a romper
- do i strip down bare ass naked in this denny’s bathroom stall? or do i do the whole “slide the crotch material over and pray i’m able to keep it dry”
- girl math
- i just found this $20 bill on the disgusting floor of my honda civic, therefore the insanely overpriced latte i’m about to buy with it is free
Olivia Stemp is a sophomore writing for film, television, and emerging media major who is open to consulting for the Barbie movie sequel. You can reach Olivia at [email protected].