but honestly, she’s pretty cool and helps me pick out outfits or whatever

It was just a normal Tuesday night in September when it happened. My mom insisted I bring a Barbie to college to remind me to “cherish my childhood,” and this is the result.

At about 3:00 a.m., I felt something lying on my stomach. Just thinking it was my phone, I rolled back over. I thought I heard a soft squeal, but I just ignored it because I had exactly 3 hours and 46 minutes left to sleep before my dreadful first class. I heard the squeal again and reluctantly opened my eyes to find my brand new Annabelle Barbie, better known as Barbelle, 6 feet in the air above me, staring at me with her ripped pink unicorn dress, snake pattern boots and smokey eye makeup that somewhat resembled a scarier version of Weird Barbie. After she flew down at my face and tried to scratch me — oh, and after I tried to throw her out the window a few times — we seemed to have come to an understanding. Not quite sure what exactly that understanding is, but it seems that we won’t try to kill (or burn or stab or suffocate) each other.

Anyway, fast forward to today, about two months after the incident, and we seem to have gotten into a routine. Every day, right at 7:00 a.m., even on weekends, Barbelle sits on my pillow and stares at me while making a Jack in the Box windup noise. It’s great because, instead of being able to hit snooze, she just doesn’t stop until I get out of bed. I’ve tried to get out of bed and then sneak back in when she’s not watching, but that just makes her alarm louder. One time, I refused to get up, so she pinched me until I did. We usually brush our teeth and eat breakfast together. I’ll do my makeup while Barbelle takes my black eyeshadow and basically paints her eyes. It’s all fun and games until she tries to poke me in the eye when I do my eye makeup. The best part is Barbelle picking out my entire outfit and I pick out her ripped dress and boots of the day. One day, I came back from classes, and she had set up a whole wardrobe database in my closet. I’m certainly not complaining, but the school might when I move out.

I used to try to leave Barbelle at home, but it was always a jump scare when I would open my backpack in class and she would be in there. Not what I needed during my 8 a.m. class. So, now I just let her hop in and she’s pretty good about staying hidden, but I’ve definitely gotten a few weird looks. It is slightly concerning that she only pokes her head out when my psychology professor starts to talk about cults.

After classes, I’ll bring Barbelle to the dining hall with me and slip her some food. It’s mostly worked out except for the time the dining hall worker came up to me and said, “You’re not allowed to feed your dog in here.” I told them I didn’t have a dog, and luckily, when I opened my backpack, Barbelle was gone. That was the day I realized she either had invisibility powers or was even sneakier than I thought because when I got back to my dorm room, there she was, watching the new Barbie movie. The movie was fine the first few times, but it really started to annoy me when I was trying to do work, and she kept fast-forwarding to the part where Ken sings, “I’m Just Ken.”

My favorite part of the day is when Barbelle cooks dinner. She started just by cooking simple things, like mac and cheese and soup, but lately, it’s gotten a bit more elaborate. Last night, she made pad thai and I think tonight is Italian. Most of the time, it’s been really good, except when she tried to cook an octopus and insisted it tasted “just like chicken.” Let’s just say, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was really good that night. Every night, we eat together while watching one of the animated Barbie movies. A few nights ago, we watched Lady Bird to switch it up.

We started going out recently because my Mom told me I needed to “make more friends.” However, that all ended when “Barbie World” started playing in the club and Barbelle went absolutely feral. She ripped a hole in my purse to get out and started break dancing in the middle of the dance floor. People stared for a few seconds and then everyone ran out screaming, “Demon doll, demon doll!” I also ran out, and once again, she’d already made it back to the dorm by the time I got back.

You’d think after a long day, I would simply be able to go to bed, but no, Barbelle insists on having a Barbie bedtime story read to her every night. Of course, Barbelle also snores most nights, but who wouldn’t want to listen to that? It’s great to put on my headphones and blast music to drown out the noise that would normally belong to a 50-year-old man. It was fine until a week ago when Barbelle tried to smother me with a pillow because she had a nightmare about a gigantic Barbie eating her. But everything takes adjustment, right?

Want to hear something even better? Barbelle keeps telling me she’s planning on cloning herself so you can have your very own Annabelle Barbie right at your fingertips. It’ll only be $19.95 and the mental trauma is sold separately.

Stephanie Tokaz is a junior film, photography, and visual arts major who is looking for a demon doll distributor to partner with. You can reach Stephanie at [email protected].