If you haven’t heard it screamed from the lips of Tucker Carlson by now, M&Ms have been a trailblazer in their mission to push the leftist equality agenda. They’ve rebranded their leading ladies, which has caused a candy franchise fiasco. Switching out her gogo boots for sneakers, the green M&M has gone from stripper to soccer mom. The brown M&M, trademarked as a slightly slutty librarian, has had her stilettos knocked down a peg. It is peculiar that many right-winged men will claim “an inch doesn’t make much of a difference” only to kick and scream about this heel size alteration. Meanwhile, some people love the push for inclusivity, and a GoFundMe petition has been started to “make an M&M with buccal fat removal surgery.”
Following in their now sneaker-sized footprints, other candy companies have followed suit in woke-ifying their candy. Twix changed their name to Twinx, Goodbar uses all pronouns and is now “Mx. Goodbar”, and chocolate bars have been rebranded as “Her/Shes.” Snickers has even stated that they will soon be removing the phallic-looking vein from their iconic candies.
Many candy-enthused conservatives have banded together in protest, refusing to buy culturally sensitive candy. Fearing this “woke” backlash, Skittles have removed every colored skittle except red, white, and blue. They’ve announced a new slogan. “Who needs to taste a rainbow?” Mars Company has been at war over what to do, as the leaders of their top selling candies are beefing. Head of M&M monopoly Glenn Morris said he “felt betrayed” when his supposed good friend and CEO of Skittles Bonnie Gunit saw the drop in M&M sales and capitalized on it. Gunit has commented that “she’s not actually pro-American, just pro-money”. Aren’t those the same thing?
Tucker Carlson has had much to say on this whole matter. He told Fox, “I just wanted to pleasure myself while staring at the green M&M poster above my bed in peace. Now I’m getting #metooed.” He has pitched some new ideas to Mars regarding his idea for “Sigma Male&M’s.” He said, quote, “You can take away my girl’s gogo boots, you can make a fatass M&M, but I draw the line at all-female packages. You want true equality? Give us a male-only package too! Us men wouldn’t mind being sexualized. Hell, you could give them all dicks!” M&M’s have said they will “think this over,” however, they are taking issue with the fact that Carlson used his own dick as the model. It seems like Tucker’s real concern regards being able to stuff as many men in his mouth as possible…why else would he want an all-male package? Kind of suspicious.
The candy controversy isn’t just a concern for Americans! Even the British can’t seem to keep it in their pants. We started to wonder why the creamy centers of our beloved Cadbury eggs got to tasting a bit off, and when the cameras were investigated, we found out a bit more than we would’ve liked. Let’s just say some of our employees have gotten their milk chocolate vat privileges revoked.
There you have it, folks. The world has lost its mind over a candy’s shoe change, and sparked a candy revolution. Only in Biden’s America…
Olivia Stemp is a first-year writing for film, television and emerging media major who doesn’t eat candy because “fruit has enough sugar.” You can reach them at [email protected].