Due to the recent recession, many millennials and teenagers have not been able to pay their rent. Instead of moving back in with their parents, many have chosen a unique form of housing: cabins. Except these cabins are far from abandoned- they have actually been inhabited by notorious serial killers for decades. However, in a twist of fate, these people have shown no mercy in making these cabins their new homes, leading to the displacement of serial killers across the country. We have collected a series of five interviews with these serial killers who have been forced to find new housing and, for some, a new lifestyle.
Our first interview was with Tom Budly, the notorious serial killer who tormented the Northwest for several years. Eventually, Budly decided to make his permanent residence a small cabin in a remote area of Washington. He was living there for almost 30 years undisturbed until one evening he came home to find his cabin completely locked. He looked in one of the windows to find a couple having dinner there, with moving boxes stacked in piles next to them. He tried to break down the door but to no avail. For the past month, Budly has been gathering supplies to build his own cabin in another remote area on the other side of the state. He expressed how all of his money and time have been devoted to building this cabin, so he hasn’t had time to murder in the last several weeks. Looking ahead, Budly is unsure of how much more time it will require to finish the build, but he told us, “I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of things as soon as possible.”
The next interview we conducted was with serial killer and part-time clown Jack William Garcy. As Garcy arrived home late one night, the new occupants of his cabin began throwing eggs and rolls of toilet paper directly at his car- and it didn’t help that he was still wearing a clown costume. In a state of panic, he drove away from the cabin never to return- not because he didn’t want to but because his car physically would not be able to make it through the woods. Garcy, who is now living out of his car, has also had increasing mechanical issues with it. Even though everything else is going wrong, Garcy thought this wouldn’t affect his murder spree, but this all spiraled out of control when he tried to abduct a young boy by offering him a ride home. The boy grew suspicious when he approached the car with all of Garcy’s belongings in it and quickly ran away. The stench of rotten eggs also didn’t help Garcy’s situation in his attempted abduction. Garcy told us he’s beginning to think about changing his career to robbing places “starting with the nearest car dealership.”
Jeremy Dedler, our next interviewee, was released from prison for his crimes about two months ago. However, as soon as he arrived at his cabin located in a remote area in Wisconsin, he found a group of teenage frat boys had taken over his cabin. FYI: They renamed the cabin ??? (Sigma Phi Delta) and their first rave is next Saturday beginning at 10pm. Anyway, having no plans to stop murdering after his recent prison release, Dedler attempted to abduct the boys. However, expecting Dedler to return, the boys had already booby-trapped the cabin. After falling on marbles, being soaked by a bucket of water, getting splashed by several cans of paint, and almost being electrocuted, Dedler not only gave up the fight, but was chased out of town. He mentioned to us that he is planning his subsequent abduction not to kill, but to get caught again and return to prison because “I had a much better living situation there.”
Another interview was with Ricardo Reynolds, the Night Stalker of California. A little bit luckier than his fellow serial killers, Reynolds’ cabin was taken over by millennials a week after he became the heir to his dead grandmother’s fortune. So, when his cabin was taken over by a couple of struggling men, Reynolds gladly gave up his home as he was already headed to Bel Air. Trying to figure out his next murder, Reynolds tried to “befriend” his neighbors. Trying to find the perfect opportunity to murder the family next door- the father, mother, son, daughter, and family dog- Reynolds constantly invited them over for dinner. However, after posing as a successful businessman, the father offered Reynolds a job in stockbroking. We asked Reynolds if he was still planning on murdering the family and he responded, “Murder? Who needs that? I’m gonna be on Wall Street someday!”
Our final interview was with one of the only female serial killers we could find, Eileen Wagner. Wagner lost her cabin to a woman who pulled a knife on her when she tried to force her out. Only having experience with murdering men, Wagner decided to leave the women alone “because feminism.” She has now moved back in with her parents and has spent the last several weeks trying to find a job because her parents are pressuring her to. She has recently also begun pursuing dating- or at least pursuing dating enough to swindle men into buying her dinner. Since her parents are threatening to kick her out of the house, she is thinking of submitting an application to be on Love Island because not only does it pay well, but she also discovered that it gives free housing for a few weeks. We were a bit concerned she was considering murdering the men on the show, but she chose not to comment.
Due to the relocation of these serial killers, individuals across the country are now feeling a sense of relief as many strings of murders have come to a close. However, many are still extremely concerned about the housing crisis and recession. But hey, you can only solve one problem at a time.
Stephanie Tokasz is a third-year Film, Photography & Visual Art major who is looking forward to living in a creepy cabin after graduation. You can find them in the natural lands collecting wood or at email@example.com.
Art by Julia Young.