I get it. Life was free and easy in the 70’s and it just can’t be that way anymore.
Cher existed in an era where you could take a puff off a friend’s joint and not have to venmo them seventy-five cents afterwards—so she doesn’t truly understand the pressures of modern students. She never had to contend with student debt or fast fashion or the crushing weight of the world ending before turning 50-I’m guessing.
In 1965, she recorded a song with her now-ex Sonny Bono called “I Got You Babe.” It is a song of love and support, and reminds me that even when nobody else believes in me, Cher will.
So why won’t that bitch give me money?
Cher, baby, darling. Don’t you want to be philanthropic like Dolly Parton? Don’t you want to support a young artist who is an avid user of your Walmart brand perfume? If you are going to sing songs of love and support, know that everyone who listens to them forever is owed that same love and support. How do you think I roped Carole King into getting weekly lunch with me? You say I have a friend then I have a friend, motherfucker.
I know she has enough cash to go around. Sure, she is unproblematic and supports great causes and has had a storied and successful career, but I will take her down for a couple thousand bucks and a barrage of glitter. I will track down all of the actresses who played Cher in The Cher Show and hold them hostage until I get what I want. Stephanie J. Block will not receive another Tony until I get my due diligence.
I just feel very betrayed. The song isn’t “I Got Me Babe” or “I Got Us Babe” or “I Gotta Betray my Fans Babe.” It’s I. GOT. YOU. And ‘you’ is me. And I is tired.
Cher if you read this, what is a hundred thousand dollars to you? Probably a hundred thousand less than what you spent on shag carpeting back in the day, or on glitter jumpsuits. I’ll do anything, please. Madonna turned me down, Joni Mitchell spit on me, and Janet Jackson got legal involved. You are my only hope.
I look forward to hearing from you,