They always say, “time heals all wounds.” But I don’t think time can give me back my $20,000.
I met her at a bar. She was wearing a Jack Daniels t-shirt that she had cut into a V-neck. I noticed her immediately, and we locked eyes just as “My Humps” started playing. It was like fate. We walked toward each other like we were being pulled by magnets, two hearts beating as one. I asked her if she was from Tennessee. She actually was. It killed my joke, so I just bought her a shot.
Our first date was to the state fair. We saw a very large pumpkin and shared a funnel cake. At the end of the night I drove her home, rubbing my sweaty palms on the legs of my jeans and working up the nerve to kiss her. Yet as I moved the gear to park, she kissed me. She was always so bold, unafraid. Those qualities were great when she was on my side, but now it is part of my downfall.
We were together for 10 years. She knows every part of me: my heart, my hopes, and my genitals. We had a modest house. It’s no palace, but I thought our love would be enough to keep us afloat. We have a child. Her name is Carly. I wanted to name her Caroline after my grandmother, but my wife wanted to name her after her favorite TV show; anything to make her happy. I wanted Carly to be a kid as long as possible, but my wife thought we would make more money in the beauty pageant circuit. It’s okay. She looked beautiful, and I am so proud of my little girl. I only caught my wife trying on the crowns twice, and she told me she took all the money and saved it for Carly’s college fund.
I noticed the money she kept in one of the spice bottles last spring. I didn’t say anything. I figured she was keeping it for a rainy day-or maybe even a surprise for me. I came home from work one day and Carly told me about the “special trips” she made to the bank with Mommy on Tuesdays-it was then I contacted my lawyer.
He found that she has been siphoning money off the joint account for the last 5 years. I’m a simple person. I don’t want many things. If she had asked, I would have given it gladly. Still, when I confronted her and said that I’d like to work through our issues, she decided to serve me divorce papers instead.
Yes, I signed a prenup that said I would give her $20,000 and my liver if we ever got divorced. To be fair, at the time I thought it was a bit-and I had high hopes we’d be together forever. The surgery to take out my liver was on Tuesday. The scars on my abdomen are almost as fresh as the scars on my heart. She told Carly that I was bad and shouldn’t be around anymore.
Your editor who ain’t got no tears left to cry,