Fred Lives in Fear of What Else the Dog Will Take from Him
Dear Mystery Gang,
I am writing this letter from the cafe on the corner that doesn’t allow pets, because I fear my apartment isn’t safe anymore. Do you all remember when the gang first formed? It was just the four of us. Taking down bad guys and uncovering crooks, we were unstoppable! I think about that time a lot, the days when I used to shine and lead this group to victory with my charm, wit, and unnecessarily complicated traps.
Shaggy, remember when we used to be the boys? We would spend a long day solving mysteries and then an even longer night bro-ing out with a couple brewskies and my PS4? Now you won’t even come over unless I have Scooby Snacks. I just sit in my empty apartment and watch all the stupid Snapchat stories of you and Scooby eating large sandwiches together.
Speaking of Scooby Snacks, does nobody else care that I’m allergic to them? I have to keep one in my pocket at all times just in case I say something wrong and Scooby catches wind of it; I only have 2 pockets, so keeping my epipen right next to it has proved pretty problematic. Still, you guys just keep tossing snacks at him left and right as I go into anaphylactic shock.
Also Daphne, have you not noticed the way he looks at you? I know we’ve been going steady for a while now, but you’ve turned down my last few dates. Then I find out the two of you went to the movies last week? Plus he met your parents? I mean he’s a dog! He walks on four legs, eats food from a can, and poops in the yard. Is that really what you’re into? You’re going to leave me for a guy who can’t pronounce the word “thanks”?
Plus whenever he comes after me, you all just sit there! I have been wearing my ascot for the last 50 years, but now, all of a sudden, it clashes with his collar? He told me next time I showed up with it on, he’d use it to “rangle” me and you all laughed! He also changed my catchphrase. You all get to keep “Jinkies” and “Zoinks,” but now mine is “It looks like we’ve got another mystery on our paws.” And he told me it doesn’t make sense to say the catchphrase anymore so he should just take over.
I wish I could say he stopped at my work life, but no. He found out my mother’s maiden name at her funeral last month, and suddenly I’m $10,000 in debt from buying Scooby Snacks in bulk! My Instagram was hacked into last month, and I apparently trolled Obama about his voice until he cried on a livestream. He hacked my Linkedin and changed my skills to “looking like a shithead” and “being murdered by a dog,” which makes me fear what he’s planning on a whole new level. Plus he felt the need to emphasize my criminal charges.
For the hundredth time, I didn’t do it! I think we all know who planted my ascot at the scene of the crime. I was not the Cardboard Caper. I don’t even use cardboard for my traps. No, Scooby isn’t this innocent dog you all think he is! I spent two weeks in jail for that crime and now I have to take a second job because nobody wants me investigating their mysteries! Who is going to want to read my future crime novel series when it’s written by an ex-criminal? Maybe reddit users, but that’s it!
Fine, think what you’re going to think, but I’m not going to let some mutt take over my life and kick me out of this group. How can you not see that I’m the good guy here? You let that stupid dog take over your minds and dictate your lives and do nothing about it! You’re all a bunch of sheep; he’s the sheep…dog! Mystery Inc is cancelled. Hope you have fun being ‘rystery rink’ because I’m out of here!
Sarah Borsari is a first-year cinema and photography major who was once a lucrative detective before their dog took everything. You can reach them at [email protected].