Unfortunately, the time has come. The Union Square Climate Clock has an hour left on it; soon, we will all be obliterated into nothing. So if you’re feeling really down about the world ending, here’s how to have fun with your final 59 minutes.
- Talk Shit with your Friends One Last Time
Probably the most healing thing to do before the world ends. Especially with all of your exes sliding into your DMs to get a quick bang in before death. Hit up your favorite gay friends, grab an overpriced matcha, and dish. Who’s pregnant? Who’s getting a divorce? Who is in a state of psychosis due to the apocalypse occurring in 47 minutes? You know—all the 411.
- Sushi Boat
A girl and her sushi is no laughing matter: 6 salmon nigiri, 8 eel avocado rolls, 35 pieces of spicy tuna crispy rice. You don’t even need to get a boat. Order the whole menu. Get $300 omakase. Repeat. Eat sushi like there is no tomorrow…because there isn’t.
- Rob a Bank while blasting “As the World Caves In” to match the doomsday vibe.
You’re in your feels, I get it. You deserve to rebel. So go ahead. Take to the streets…maybe burgle a few homes on the way. Listen to your Alt TikTok playlist from 2020. Relish in the nostalgia. When you’re ready, run into the bank with full force. Hopefully, you have a chic ski mask. Don’t be afraid to pull a Sonny Wortzik and take a few people hostage if you have to. I’m sure they’ll understand. After you take a few thousand, go spend it on your favorite things. Maybe a cute blouse, maybe a vibrator, the world is your oyster…for the next few minutes.
- Finally hook up with the older couple next door
The two of them are definitely old. The woman has a few wrinkles, and her husband has a slight hunchback. But you can’t help but be attracted to their maturity. There hasn’t been any outward flirting or sexual innuendos, yet, you feel this unspoken attraction between the three of you. Well, now is your time to experiment. Knock on their door with some sexy lingerie under your clothes and make a move. There isn’t any time for regrets.
- Punch Your Evil Stepdad
You have always hated his face. His redneck-wrinkly eyes. His unbrushed yellow teeth. His hairy beer belly that’s always on display during summer barbeques. You’ve been disgusted with him ever since he came over for the first time when you were eleven and talked about his love for Limp Bizkit. You should’ve punched him then and there. But back then, you were a measly child who would’ve gotten in trouble; now you’re a self-disciplined adult. So with 10 minutes left on the clock and a fiery anger that burns in your heart, there’s nothing left to do but punch him in the face.
I won’t lie, this to-do list is pretty intimidating. I mean, robbing a bank and having a geriatric threesome right after…that takes a lot of stamina; though you won’t need stamina for anything else. Ever. Again. On a brighter note, this whole apocalypse thing gives you the chance to do things you never would’ve before! So take these suggestions, go out, and romanticize your final hour! Though, I guess you did just waste five minutes by reading this…
Amelia Elliott is a sophomore Writing for Film, Television, and Emerging Media major who loves a good California roll. She can be reached at aelliott2@ithaca.edu.