Jacob Williams, long thought to be another poor soul lost to roommate carelessness, was discovered by students in the freshman dorm last weekend. Williams, last seen in the second week of his first semester, was slow to respond to questions from the emergency medical team, reduced to fornication-related mutterings. “It’s a sad and all too common story”, said Willard Weapon, the first EMT on the scene. “He was just staring off into space, talking about how ‘it was only supposed to be an hour’ and how ‘his boy just needed to get some’. He had this, uh, condom wrapper in his hand. He was clutching it like an orphan in a movie clutches a ratty teddy bear. Brutal stuff.”
After receiving fluids, and assurance that he would not be relocated to a different hospital room so the doctors could “go at it” (his words), Jacob managed to relax and begin speaking again. “I’m grateful to all who helped me in my time of stress. And I don’t hold a grudge against my roommate, even after he kicked me out for such a long time. And even after he intentionally ignored my texts asking if it was cool to come back. And even after learning that the sex was over in 45 seconds and he spent the rest of the time crying and saying, “So sorry this never happens, so sorry this never happens.”
“We are beyond happy that our boy is back”, said the Willams family, “even with the…unpleasantness that has arisen since.” They elaborated, referring to the press that Jacob and his condition have received in the past few days. He has been hailed as a martyr by local pro-abstinence groups and pious corners of the internet. Young bitter men, often previous victims of sexil-ation themselves, have been flocking to these movements like they flock to Hey Dudes shoes. @NathanNoSex, the moderator of r/BringBackPuritanism, posted last night:
Jacob Williams wuz the last of our brethren to be subjected to
such vile treatment at the hands of the beast with two backz.
#NOSEXFORJACOB
The final line has taken off as a hashtag sensation, but, as social scientists and psychologists have pointed out, the ones doing the “abstaining” weren’t having much intercourse in the first place. This is a phenomenon known in textbooks as “The Person Who Pretends to Hate Parties Because They Stopped Getting Invited Effect”. Jacob was deeply disturbed about all of this until learning that it was about others going without sex, not him. But his life has changed dramatically, probably forever. He can never go to normal school again. He is constantly being asked to sign Bibles and buckle shoes. He is even slated to be a special guest on an episode of Joe Rogan where he interviews a priest that has gone viral for lifting weights.
Charlie Boucher is a senior TVDM major who always wears buckle shoes. He can be contacted at cboucher@ithaca.edu.