First things first: Congratulations, babe! You’re either already tangled up in a situationship, or you’re about to dive headfirst into the most thrilling emotional rollercoaster Ferris wheel of your life. Yes, it’s going to be messy, dramatic, and confusing, but also ridiculously fun. It’ll remind you that you’re still alive and still young!!!! This is where you find out just how much you can obsess, overthink, and still be sexy doing it.
Every first situationship is a major event, so let’s just embrace it fully. You’re in the right place with this– yes, you are in love with that thing person!!– so we might as well get ahead of the game and lean into the fun of it.
HOW TO SURVIVE:
- KEEP YOUR PHONE ON HAND AT ALL TIMES. You will want to check it at every buzz to see if it’s your lover replying ‘k’ to your paragraph. It will sting, but it’s better than feeling nothing!
- WHEN WITH FRIENDS, ONLY DISCUSS THE S-P, or SITUATIONSHIP PARTNER. Your friends will love that you’re being irrevocably shaped by this experience. Give them every nitty gritty detail—them being active on Instagram while you were waiting for a reply after being on delivered for 5 hours, them telling you they like you but not that much, the oscillation between friends and flirtation… If your friends are your real friends, they want to hear all your thoughts. If your S-P takes up all your thoughts, why not share all of that with them? Don’t forget: they don’t want you to invest in their lives anymore. This is all they want to talk about FOREVER!
- POST DIGS. This is perhaps the most rewarding part! Put out anything you can for signs of life when being ignored—post stories of yourself, of every moment you think you want them to see, and agonize over the views. They probably won’t like it, but if they do, it’ll be better than reaching orgasm. Or—a better, quicker option—post a weirdly specific Instagram note. Something like ‘It was only you’ or ‘You know what I meant’. If your follower count goes down, don’t worry about it. People are just jealous.
- CHECK THEIR SOCIALS! Just short of internet stalking is internet sleuthing. Check follower counts, following counts, photos, tags, mentions, comments. You’ll be sure to learn whatever you need. Warning: This part does hurt. Counter-point: It was going to happen anyway.
- IF THEY GET WITH SOMEONE ELSE, don’t fret! It’s a desperate attempt to reconcile their feelings for you. You’re sooo sexy. They were thinking of you the whole time anyway.
- LAST BUT NOT LEAST, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! Their signals can mean whatever you want—and they do! The i don’t rly think I can I’m kinda busy w life n shi DEFINITELY means ask again tomorrow! Put ALL your eggs in this basket. Trust me. They’ll have to say yes eventually. If they block you, they wanted you so bad that they couldn’t stand it anymore. If you see them hanging out with someone else, perhaps romantically, it’s because they’re planning how to bag you. If they haven’t asked you out yet, but you’re sunken in—sexting, I love yous, and a thin, blurred line between friendship and overwhelming, codependent love—then they’re just waiting until they’re sure they want to marry you. After all, commitment in dating is hard! Surely it’ll change if you’re good enough. Don’t doubt your worth, lovie!! Your S-P does that enough already. <3
Angie Snyder is a first-year psychology major who never gives up hope. You can contact them at asnyder@ithaca.edu