Last Friday, out of what he claims to be “sheer curiosity,” Ithaca College freshman Tyler Woods downloaded the infamous gay hook-up app Grindr.
For the heterosexual or otherwise blissfully uninformed, Grindr is a location-based “social networking” app targeted primarily towards gay men. Users can send messages or “taps” to express interest in other profiles.
Woods, an 18-year-old Park Pathways major from New Jersey, downloaded Grindr to “see what it’s like.” He claims to have not had “any expectations” for the app, though the increase in his daily screentime indicates otherwise. Friends of Woods expressed concern for his Grindr use, arguing that it has been detrimental to his physical, mental, and sexual health, as well as just really fucking annoying for everyone else.
After about two weeks deep in the trenches of Grindr, Woods has elected to share his experience with the investigative journalists here at Sawdust.
Wood’s first observation was the generally lackluster nature of many of the profiles he encountered: “It was just a sea of faceless torsos and blank profiles, I never thought I’d be so excited to see the facial equivalent of a cardboard box on someone’s profile.”
Woods was also surprised to find that Grindr users often got straight to the point in their messages: “I didn’t expect guys to be so forward… I thought they would at least ask how I’m doing before asking to see my butt and telling me in detail how they want to fuck me.” Woods has provided screenshots of some of the messages he received, which the author found to be very comforting in their representation of literacy in America. Messages ranged from the simple yet intriguing “Freak here” to the uniquely capitalized “How are you, Do You Have Experience of being a bottom or the Willingness to Learn?” Some particularly colorful messages included, “Yooo, what’s up dude. Can I see your booty?” as well as “Hi/What’s your deepest darkest fantasy” and the ever charismatic “Hello. Would love to bend you over and fuck your boypussy good and hard. And cum all over that boypussy.”
Many of these delightful messages came from what Woods found to be the most abundant demographic on Grindr: 50-year-old men who definitely aren’t pedophiles and are interested exclusively in 18-year-olds for no other reason.
“Look, I wasn’t exactly mad about them, but after the 17th unsolicited dick pic, I got a little tired of them.” Woods was also disappointed to find that many of these phallic photographs depicted some deeply disappointing dicks: “Don’t get me wrong, I love a good penis, but this was just unsettling. I think it was looking at me?”
Following some truly tragic sexual escapades, including a DL guy who crashed out about fantasy football in the middle of their hook up, Woods has deleted Grindr and renounced hook up culture entirely: “I don’t think casual sex is for me. I’m gonna find love the old-fashioned way; by getting hired to herd sheep, having crazy passionate gay tent sex, and then living happily ever after.” Through further questioning, the author has determined that Woods has not seen Brokeback Mountain and is unaware of the ending.
Andrew Stein is a first-year Public & Community Health major who has definitely seen Brokeback Mountain. You can contact them at astein4@ithaca.edu