One of the top burning questions in today’s romantic culture is a complicated one, “how do I keep my polycule(s) together?”. While it isn’t easy, my research team comprised a list of the 10 **scientifically backed** most engaging community exercises for polycycles.
- Child swapping
Sometimes the best way to fix an issue is to try something new, so whether you’re sick of kids or just wanna spice things up, consider child swapping with another polycule in your area.
2.) Armpit hair dying COMPETITION
Steps for this one must be followed in order.
a.) gather up the members of your polycule to pick the one you’ll use for the competition (but
don’t tell them)
b.) wait for the chosen member to fall asleep
c.) blindfold and handcuff chosen member (they’re lowkey into it) and bring them to warehouse
location
d.) pick dye combo
e.) quickly but carefully dye and style the member’s armpit hair (wow! They look great)
f.) do a communal prayer that you’ll win
If you win the competition your polycule is ensured to stay together for at least the next 4 years. If you don’t win then… Just try to win!
3.) Orgy course
Are the orgies not what they used to be? It might be time to leave the bed and get into the classroom. Study everything from positions to woodshop (for building a bedframe big enough for the whole crew). ORG 101 doesn’t just teach you the fundamentals of orgies but ensures you have the skills and confidence to incorporate them. They have the highest group climax efficiency rates in the country, as tested by my personal team of professionals. Take ORG 101 and you’ll never have to sit up at 3AM sandwiched between two hairy men, dying to pee but unable to get up because if you do everyone else will wake up and start a very haphazard and loud round 7 and you’ve got work in the morning AND your girlfriend is cuddled up next to someone else, again. Unless you want to!
4.) Dog haircuts
5.) Exploring the intersectionality of identity within the society (small and big) alongside communities within my large, but also mid sized husband’s girlfriend’s apartment.
6.) Making the bed
I think we need to start going back to the basics. When life gives you 5 partners, do chores together. Instead of paying thousands for group therapy, individual therapy, the dog’s therapy, or like any kind of therapy at all, get your sexy squad together and make that damn bed mama!
7.) Spring break in Miami
8.) Abstinence
Like, maybe you need it.
9.) Hair braiding line
10.) Go on Survivor
Fighting everyday? Clothes being stolen? Too many dishes? We get it, it’s not easy having 6 partners in a two bed apartment in Bushwick. It’s looking like it’s time to get out of the city and into the JUNGLE!!! That’s right, by using this code: 1234FIXTHATPOLY on surviorapplications.com you and your ‘cule will be flown out first class to the islands of Fiji for your own exclusive game of Survivor. Fight to the death with your boyfriend’s girlfriend, and when given the chance you can finally send your second primary partner’s situationship home…to their home. Get your walk-in closet back, girl.
*The entirety of the game will be televised and broadcast nationally.
Aicha Bathily is a first-year Park Pathways major who is en route to Fiji. You can contact them at abathily@ithaca.edu