Answer these questions to find out!

1. Favorite type of weather?  

A) Rain

B) Shine 

C) Fog 

D) Dust Storm

2. How do you relax on a Sunday morning? 

A) Stalking your ex-best friends on Insta…

B) Stocking produce. Can’t truly relax unless the store is properly prepped and running like a well–oiled machine! 

C) Snacking! With a good movie. Maybe a Saltburn or a Magic Mike’s Last Dance? 

D) Singing show tunes to your cat! They like it! They’re only running away because they’re afraid of my talent!

3. Choose your favorite flower. 

A) Hibiscus 

B) Rose 

C) Hooker’s Lips 

D) Daisy 

4. If you were a tree, what would your roots look like? 

A) One long root growing straight into the ground. (It’s the only straight thing about me)

B) Sturdy and well-positioned. Can’t stand tall without a good foundation. 

C) Shallow but supportive. The fungi are doing what they can to nourish me, I guess. 

D) Dainty and Coquette. Probably tied into cute little bows. 

5. Your mom confronts you about stealing €5 from her purse. You open your wallet to find the bill tucked behind your license. What’s your next thought? 

A) I DIDN’T STEAL IT! I’VE BEEN FRAMED! CHECK THE RING CAMERA TO SEE WHO’S BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE HOUSE! MAKE A LIST OF SUSPECTS!

B) Immediately return it and apologize. 

C) Run to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. Nobody needs to know. 

D) What money? I didn’t see any money? Look Mom, there’s no money in my wallet.

6. What’s your ideal Wattpad trope?

A) Sold to a celebrity boy-band by your alcoholic Mom. 

B) Enemies to lovers. She’s an environmentalist. He’s the president of the most evil big-oil corp. How could they ever see eye to eye?

C) Forced proximity. 2 strangers. 1 bed. 

D) Choosing between 2 hot brothers. Brooding and mysterious or sunshine support system? Good luck!

Results!

Mostly A’s – Reneé Rapp 

   Firstly, let’s give you your kudos cutos for having good tits and a big heart! No more asking yourself “What can I do to be more like Towa Bird?” Or “How do I lock down Reneé Rapp?” If our sources are correct, it looks like this flirtatious, uncensored cutie is already a perfect match! So, kiss a blond! Kiss this babe! It’s a sexy spring, and you are more than well equipped to be, like, in love with someone like Reneé. 

Mostly B’s – Danny Wegman

   Cozied up with the esteemed CEO of Wegmans, it looks like you’re finally branching into DILF season! Just like the trees all around us, this budding romance could take you everywhere from Produce to Spices with all the sweet-hot intimacy you’ve been searching for. What an excellent way to deal with the inflation of grocery prices— good for you!

Mostly C’s – Gregory Eddie from Abbot Elementary 

   There are few men that know the joys of budding spring quite like Mr. Eddie. Want to be coaxed into this season the right way? Well, you seem to be in the just right position to attract a sophisticated, pizza-hating individual such as himself. Gregory is a walking green flag, and we can tell you are too! Are you good with kids? Supportive? Undoubtedly sexy? Yeah, we thought so. Find yourself a Gregory Eddie, and get ready to have the most nourished secret garden ever. 

Mostly D’s – Josh Gad 

   However familiar you are with Josh Gad’s hit song “In Summer,” from Frozen, you’re definitely unacquainted with his tender sensuality. Much like you, Josh is a bit more reserved with his PDA, but that won’t stop you two from finding just the right harmony this spring! It’s time to let down your guard. Defrost that icy wall around your heart, and open up to a smoking-hot individual who might just be… well… worth melting for. 

A Tie?! – the M&Ms Cast 

   Like many people this spring, we know you’re trying to break into ethical non monogamy. What sweeter way to start than with the M&Ms entire cast of characters! Much like yourself, these sultry snacks also love long walks and cozy movie nights! What’s not to enjoy?! You may feel intimidated by their celebrity status, but remember they’re down-to-earth, anthropomorphic creatures— just like you and me. You’re more than ready for some colorful experiences! So don’t be shy; Taste the rainbow!

Malika Beveridge is a Junior Writing major who secretly puppeteers the algorithm for Raya. You can reach Malika at [email protected].