Hello. Funny seeing you here. Well, not exactly, because you are reading my writing on a page, so I can’t see you, nor are you “here.” But I hope you understand my point and appreciate my greeting regardless. My name is Conrad Whippoorwill, and I welcome you to my foraging guide. This will be the first of several installations in my foraging guide series, as I have a lot to say on the topics of foraging and guiding. It will be a fun ride if you’re interested in tagging along. Follow me.
Firstly, what is foraging? I’m glad you asked, my curious friend. Foraging is the art of discovering things in the wild. Now, if you were to search for the term on AskJeeves or other similar tool, you might discover numerous individuals concerned with identifying and harvesting various mushrooms, berries, and nuts. This is all well and good, but these people pursue a type of foraging that is inaccessible to many, including me, and likely you, dear reader. The reality of the situation is that the average American does not have the luxury of parading around the woods searching for magical sprouts and roots in their leisure hours. We are too busy being on the colloquial grind. For this reason, I seek to bring the joys of foraging to everyone with the introduction of a concept I have coined as “modern foraging.”
Modern foraging is a radical new approach to foraging that I believe to be quite exciting. As opposed to more traditional interpretations of the term, modern foraging can be exercised anywhere at any time. All you need is an open mind and some cunning fingers. For example, I have been enjoying modern foraging in my cubicle at work. Just last week I made a dazzling find: a stapler with, get this – only one staple inside. Oh boy! Normally they hold many more than just one staple, but this one was an “epic score,” so to speak. Of course, I put the stapler back on the desk where I found it, as I wouldn’t want to commit an act of thievery (lest my employer punish me), but it was still a miraculous discovery nonetheless. This is another key factor that differentiates modern foraging from its predecessor. Classical foraging, almost primitive in nature, focuses far too much of its energy on the act of taking. Always taking, taking, taking. Individuals will locate beautiful mushrooms with the sole intention of unearthing them, taking them back to their homes and frying them up in pans of olive oil or other applicable oil. When, I wonder, will they ever give back? Will they return to the woods and plunge a new mushroom back into the ground? Likely not. Modern foraging takes a more environmentally respectful angle. One can admire their surroundings, but must not alter them. Everything will go back from whence it came, like my treasured one-staple stapler.
The enchanting catches don’t stop there, my respected confidant. I’ve made quite a number of “rare gets” in my time, as it was. In the workplace bathroom, I stumbled across a tube of stick for chapped lips that smelled vaguely of strawberries. I was almost tempted to plunder it and stuff it into my coat pocket for the journey home, but well, you know the rules by now. I am a man of principle: the principles of modern foraging. So on the bathroom counter, it remained, inviting myriad strangers beyond myself to come closer and revel in its vague strawberry scents. On another occasion, I happened upon an amorphous wad of gray chewing gum stuck to the side of a bench at the town park. What a puzzling sight, indeed! It struck me that this was an unorthodox location for one to leave such an object. Why, logically speaking, the chewing gum ought to have been discarded in the wastebasket not but fifteen paces out. Yet, here it was, plastered to the communal seat, attracting awe in its understated absurdity.
More still, just recently, I was taking a stroll through the neighborhood with my dog, John Keating, when all of a sudden, Mr. Keating lowered his hind legs to release himself onto the lush grass adjacent to the number forty-five mailbox. This was a regular ritual for us – as I had learned from the famous picture book, everybody poops. So I produced a disposable doo-doo bag from my fanny pack and was about to utilize it to retrieve said doo-doo, but I realized at that moment, why not leave this gift for another to chance on? I had always considered Mr. Keating to be a proper scatological artist, and this work was some of his best. Any passerby would cherish, and frankly be impressed by, his firm linework and signature finishing coil. This fresh steamer from Mr. Keating’s loins could be the first great discovery made by a novel modern forager! Thus, I carried on my way with my pooch, proud to have assuredly brightened the day of the next man.
See my valued acquaintance, this is the subtle power of adopting modern foraging into your life. It enables each individual to celebrate small, delicate revelations on their terms. This shared approach is also why I believe that it is possible to modern forage for “profit.” My definition of profit is likely not the same as those championed by classical foragers who seek to pawn off their ill-gotten goods for gain. It miffs me to see foraged exotic mushrooms sold to the highest bidder for large sums of things, usually money. No, the real goods are those that are commonplace and can be enjoyed by all, like a stapler, a wad of chewing gum, or a huge, boiling dog shit. The profit comes not from large sums of things but from simple global satisfaction. So go, go out there into the world! Treasure what lies behind each corner, in each nook and/or cranny, betwixt each wall! Make this outing a good one! And I hope to see you in the next installment of my modern foraging guide, where I discuss how to come to emotional terms with the fact that river rocks look a lot less cool when they dry.
Cormac Abbey is a sophomore Television & Digital Media Production major who collects and arranges ground pennies in order of oxidation. You can reach Cormac at [email protected].