Sometimes being a human is needlessly difficult. Using this squishy mech suit is honestly pretty inconvenient so I formulated a list of upgrades that I can send to the nearest blank market surgeon the second these cyborg attachments get on the market. I’m sure it’ll be any day now.
10. Steel Toes
Who needs steel-toed boots when your tootsies are indestructible? No more stubbed toes. This little piggy went to the auto body shop, this little piggy went to the industrial steel mill, this little piggy went to the welder, this little piggy went to the illegal black market cyber-surgeon, and this little piggy kicked your teeth in effortlessly. When I step on the back of people’s shoes it entirely destroys the heel and I can’t play soccer without obliterating the ball but that’s no problem.
Who doesn’t want a whole new world of taste?! I wanna eat my spaghetti bolognese in 4-D. I want to experience my everything bagel in surround sound. I wanna savor my peanut butter and appy slices like no one has savored them before. No more burnt tongue, in fact, I can burn my food BACK! How about that? I can tie maraschino cherry stems into knots, that’s cool I guess! Biting my tongue is going to ruin my front teeth, but hey, I can always replace those too!
Imagine being able to fall asleep on cue. Perfectly timed cat naps. Who needs an alarm when you wake up after exactly eight hours perfectly rested? Hyper-calculated sleep for flights so I wake up exactly when they’re handing out those tiny little shortbread cookies that taste like cardboard. I could actually sleep in circumstances other than being in complete darkness with continuous white noise with four blankets, ideally with the room roughly between 64 and 68 degrees. Side effect: yeah, okay, maybe I randomly fall asleep standing up, but every time I get sub-eight hours of sleep I basically do that anyway.
7. Fiber Optic Hair
I’m gonna be on my Romona Flowers shit. In my Clementine from Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind era. I will be swapping my hair color faster than you can say “We’re going down, down in an earlier round / And sugar we’re going down swinging.” I will look like a 2014 Tumblrina’s wet dream. Will it look sick as hell? Yes. Will it be bad for the health of my hair? Also yes.
6. Bluetooth Brain Chip
When Elon Musk finally rolls out his Neuralink the second it stops killing innocent chimpanzees, I will be first in line. I can’t wait to stream Spotify directly into my head. My favorite podcast hosts are moving in. ASMR will be scratching my brain from the inside. And when “Hey Ya!” by Outkast gets stuck on loop, I won’t be upset about it never shutting off, because “Hey Ya!” is a really good song.
I already self-diagnose myself all the time. It would be nice to be able to do it without visiting WebMD for the millionth time. A handy app linked to my brain chip to show me if my sore throat is a cold or if I just need to drink water would do me wonders. It might be wrong sometimes, but at least it’ll save me a $50 copay half of the time.
4. Electro – Eyes
I will admit I look good in glasses, but it would be really nice not to. I know what you’re saying “Just get Lasik.” I say I can get perfect vision and also have permanent night-vision goggles in my skull. Ultraviolet, infrared, Rio De Janeiro filter from Instagram Stories, I’ve got them all! Plus I can change my eye color like Edward from Twilight. Checkmate.
3. Techno Teeth
Remember when I said I’d need to replace my teeth because of the Turbo Tongue? Sure I could just get veneers, but what’s the fun in that? I get silver-encrusted grills surgically implanted in my gums. No more Sensodyne toothpaste, let’s gooooo. I can chew on as much ice as I want without fear. If I want to I could get retractable vampire fangs, which I will. The downside is I could bite my lip really hard, no biggie, then I could just replace THOSE.
Everyone has legs. I particularly enjoy having legs. They walk me places. What if those legs were better? What if my Ithacalves were forged in pure titanium? What if they matched my steel toes? I’d be unstoppable. I would be a world-champion speed walker. I’d run so fast without any pain. I’ll save so much money on gas. Shame I’ll have to get my legs amputated, but them’s the breaks!
1. Wolverine Claws
This might be the most superfluous upgrade on my list, but I deserve a treat after being so good. I will be so cool with Wolverine claws. They would be my personal set of Cutco knives, though it might be a pain to wash. World’s best self-defense. I won’t be a superhero, I’ll just show them off at parties and play Fruit Ninja. And yeah, I might fall asleep on my arm and accidentally disembowel myself as well sending an arterial spray four feet across the wall, but I’ll look dope as hell when I do.
Connor Stanford is a Junior Theatre Studies major who is seeking to partner with a premiere black-market surgeon. You can reach Connor at [email protected]