Robots are everywhere. From the sultry voice of Cortana on your Windows PC to the oh-so-sexy invasion of privacy that is Alexa, we all have robots around us in everyday life, and they’re sexy as all hell, good god. I still can’t get over how aroused I am whenever I hold the power button down on my phone and Siri’s seductive voice comes on. In preparation for the coming AI takeover of humanity, we’re counting down the hottest movie robots, to show the benefits of making our new AI overlords look sexy when they take over. In order to not flood this list with so many different alluring Androids, let’s set up some criteria.
- Must have a physical body.
- No cyborgs or humans with robot parts.
- Must be in a theatrically released movie.
And with that, we begin our list with:
#8 – T-800 from Terminator
The role that single-handedly got Arnold Schwarzenegger the position of governor of California. This futuristic assassin is not only the pinnacle of machoness
, but also doesn’t allow anyone to ever get in his way. He will destroy everything and everyone to complete his goal, which if you play your cards right, might involve some romance. If that doesn’t scream loyalty, I don’t know what does.
#7 – The Stepford Wives
Who needs feminist commentary on the roles of women in society when you have sexy androids? And yes, they are robots, not brainwashed humans. There is literally a scene where steam comes out of their heads. Normal people don’t do that, at least I think they don’t. I don’t know enough real people in my life to make that distinction.
#6 – Everybody from Blade Runner
There are so many hot robots in this series, and since everybody in that world could be one, why not include everyone? Whether it be Pris’ rockin’ punk outfit, Racheal’s office wear, or Roy Batty’s…well, everything (I love you Rutger Hauer), Tyrell Corporation sure knew what it was doing. It is a shame that they only live for four years, but hey, any time with Rutger Hauer to me is time well spent.
#5 – Ultron from Age of Ultron
Ultron may be one of the most interesting characters in comics, but like always, Joss Whedon has to suck out the life of any and all characters he touches and turn them into quippy and sarcastic jokes. Still, Ultron’s design is very appealing and his performance by James Spader is fantastic. It kind of makes that future where he takes over the world seem not as bad
, if you ignore all the murder he does, which I am more than willing to do.
#4 – The Iron Giant
A giant hunk of a metal man who doesn’t want to be a weapon anymore. And what better way to teach a weapon how to be human than to teach it about love and romance? That would be my protocol if I ever found a giant skyscraper-sized robot in my backyard. Pitch that for an Iron Giant sequel.
#3 – Baymax from Big Hero 6
Who wouldn’t want a big cuddly marshmallow to help them out when they’re sick, that can also fight bad guys? Baymax will always give you that perfect boost of serotonin whenever you need him around. He’d make a perfect house husband who would take care of the chores and children while you go off to work serving your AI overlords in the lithium mines.
#2 – Wall-E and EVE
I’m putting these two together because it would be a disservice if they had to be kept apart. Wall-E is the embodiment of the type of guy to pull the most attractive person in the room by being a silly and goofy guy, and that definitely works for me. EVE is a no-nonsense worker devoted to her job who learns to be silly and have fun from a post-apocalyptic custodian. Both of them actively improve each other and have a better relationship than most humans I know, which makes it all the more why I must keep them together.
#1 – Mechagodzilla
What’s better than a giant lizard, a robotic giant lizard? Mechagodzilla has that uniquely lizard-like body and that anthropomorphic aura around him that will make the Scalies go crazy. Almost makes you wonder if Godzilla sees it as a potential mate, and has ever had romantic feelings for it. If anyone has some steamy Godzilla x Mechagodzilla fanfiction or fan art they want to share, send it to me.
And that includes our list. So when you’re suffering from grueling, back-breaking work under the rule of our new robot overlords, just remember that sometimes, robots can be sexy, if not sexier, than a real person.
Rocco Lippi is a First Year Film, Photography and Visual Arts major who is seeking an android affair this cuffing season. You can reach Rocco at [email protected].