There’s a Hollywood executive in my boot!
Editor’s Note: I stand in solidarity with the ongoing strikes for the WGA and SAG against the AMPTP. This meeting took place before the strikes were happening. As an act of resilience against a certain studio in particular, I am releasing a transcript of a pitch meeting I took with Disney-Pixar on an upcoming project for which I would be a screenwriter for. This is the pitch meeting in question.
WRITER: Hey guys! Sorry I’m late, I accidentally walked into the wrong meeting room. They were talking about A Bugs Life 2. Can’t believe you guys are getting Josh Gad to come in and do the voice for all the bugs! Truly….. work guys.
EXECUTIVE #1: I know right! You should see what we’re cooking up with Cars 4. This time, Lightning McQueen and Sally are having a kid, number 95 is gonna be dealing with fatherhood!
EXECUTIVE #1: Anyways, so glad you can join us for the pitch meeting today. Here at Pixar animation, we strive for original storytelling. We’re revolutionaries, who only make the stories that still need to be told. So we’re very excited to hear your pitch about Toy Story 5!
WRITER: Great to hear. Toy Story has always been a trilogy–
EXECUTIVE #3: Franchise!
WRITER: …. ok. So here’s the pitch. Woody is now off with Bo Peep. Buzz stayed with the other toys. We’ve always been focused on the kid at heart. But in a world where Toys R’ Us is shut down and the Tik Tok generation isn’t interested in toys anymore, what if we–
EXECUTIVE #9: Bluey.
WRITER: What now?
EXECUTIVE #9: We have a crossover with Bluey, my kid loves Bluey, little motherfuckers go crazy over Bluey. Best part is, I think I can sign Will Arnett to play Bluey, let’s get him into the world of animation finally!
WRITER: Yeah, that’s an idea. Let me get to the pitch though.
EXECUTIVE #9: Sure! Sure, sure. My mind’s on Bluey now, but sure.
WRITER: Anyways, as I laid out before, the toys are now in the midst of a crisis where the kids don’t want toys anymore.
EXECUTIVE #12: And let’s get a character that resembles a little plushie toy that is cute and really funny, but struggles with their identity!
WRITER: Ok sure, that can be something, that’s a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #8: Or maybe Woody and Bo Peep fall out of love, because they realize that love never lasts forever. Woody really wants to make it work, but Bo Peep doesn’t see the same ol’ young and energetic cowboy that used to be there. That’s just a little idea I pulled out of nowhere.
EXECUTIVE #1: Don’t listen to him, he’s just getting a divorce.
EXECUTIVE #8: …..I am scared of my sexuality.
EXECUTIVE #7: Damn, I thought you would’ve been satisfied since we let you write Luca.
WRITER: Wait, the executives write the films her–
EXECUTIVE #6: I think we have the story for the film guys, great work!
WRITER: I didn’t even get to pitch my story.
EXECUTIVE #8: Yeah you did, Andy now has a family and in a struggle to make his kid happy, he gets the gang of toys back together. Woody and Buzz save the day. We get Key & Peele in there again. Boom, just made us a billion dollars.
WRITER: Fuck this. In my mind, Toy Story ended with 3! I’m late to a pitch at Dreamworks anyway, who the fuck knows how I’m gonna come up with Kung Fu Panda 4.
EXECUTIVE #1: Damnit. Who’s next on the list for pitches?
EXECUTIVE #9: Aaron Sorkin.
EXECUTIVE #1: Ugggggggggh, fine. Bring him in I guess.
Noah Darling is a sophomore cinema and photography major who is desperate to turn popular children’s franchises into self-insert fanfiction. You can reach Noah at [email protected]