Actually Just a Group of Friends with a Slack Channel
ITHACA, NY – In a shocking revelation, what was rumored to be a secretive and mysterious society at Cornell University has been exposed as nothing more than a group of friends who keep in touch through a Slack channel, sources confirmed Monday.
The group, who called themselves “The Scholars of The Ivory Towel,” had been rumored to be a clandestine organization with nefarious intentions.
The group had gained a lot of attention on campus for being a “secret society,” and had even caught the attention of the university’s administration, who launched an investigation into their activities. Unfortunately for the investigators, they found out that the “secret society” was just a bunch of friends who occasionally got together to play Apples to Apples, discuss new episodes of The Good Doctor, and share what they declared as “dank memes.”
Our reporters were able to infiltrate their initiation ceremony, which was vastly underwhelming. Despite the strict robe policy, many showed up with their shirt collars pulled over their heads. As for their ritualistic Gregorian chants, they could not pull the wool over our reporter’s eyes. It was the “Lorem Ipsum” paragraph to the tune of “Take a Look Around” by Limp Bizkit.
“We were trying to create a sense of mystique and secrecy, but it just ended up kind of falling apart,” said Ivory Towel Scholar Billy Blau, who was wearing a black hooded robe and clutching a dusty, rolled-up scroll during our interview. “I mean, half the people there were just pretending to be blindfolded.”
“It’s kinda cheugy that they’re so obsessed with this,” said Cornell Dean of Students, Dr. Marla Love. “Like, damn, I love a good secret society but this is just… y’know?”
After the ceremony, Grand-Chancellor Shadow Sentinel proposed a group orgy which was swiftly met with severe indifference. “No, it was stupid anyway. Forget I said anything,” he said through his voice modulator, which our reporters later discovered to be his mother’s electrolarynx.
In a frenzied effort to reclaim its intrigue, The Scholars of the Ivory Towel released a public statement confessing to “buried treasure” in a cryptic location. Shane Farrell, a grad student at Cornell, found said treasure in fourteen hours. “They said to look for the old oak tree for your next clue. Well, there’s only one oak tree on campus and the treasure was in the tree hollow.” Farrell reported that the Tupperware contained a piece of Hubba Bubba and a half-used golf pencil. Grand-Chancellor Shadow Sentinel declined to respond.
Despite their failure, the group remains optimistic that they can still become a secret society one day. For now, they toil away in the Uris Hall classrooms, eating Reese’s Cups and arguing over Trivia Murder Party.
Jacob Orloff is a fourth-year cinema and photography major who is ALWAYS locked away in his ivory tower. You can reach them at [email protected].
Art by Julia Young.