How to Write Your Own
Fairy tales, arguably the “superhero movie” of the 18th century, hold their roots in every culture. The only difference is that we have not quite figured out the formula that makes superhero movies work. However, after 300 years of investigative analysis, our team of researchers has discovered what makes fairy tales as enchanting as they are. Not only are we sharing this information with you, but we will also help you construct your very own fairy tale as well.
Step 1: Choose a Generic Prince or Princess
Every fairy tale needs a prince or princess, someone to be your protagonist. Being a hero is no longer about morality. If you have a PR team, a fairly silent Twitter page, and you were nowhere near D.C. on January 6th, you’re a hero. See how easy it is to earn that title today?
Step 2: Add an Evil Villain
An antagonist is just someone who gets in the way of your hero. The villain can be anyone, really. Just like before, goodwill has been thrown out the window in the 21st century. You could pick an evil sorcerer, a wicked stepmother, or even a disgruntled Greenpeace worker. Doesn’t matter if they qualify as “evil,” just pit someone whose values you disagree with against your protagonist.
Step 3: Add a Magical Element
This is where things start to get really extraordinary. Maybe there’s a miraculous talking frog, a cursed apple, or an otherworldly wardrobe that leads to another dimension. The possibilities are endless, so get creative and let your imagination run wild.
Step 4: Throw in a Moral Lesson
Sure, fairy tales are full of magical creatures and whimsical settings, but at the end of the day, they’re really just thinly-veiled parables meant to teach children valuable life lessons. So make sure to hammer home the importance of hard work, kindness and perseverance. And if you can work in some outdated gender roles or class hierarchies while you’re at it, even better!
[HERO] must defeat [VILLAIN] using the power of [ELEMENT], all while learning what’s really important: [MORAL].
| Hero | Villain | Magical Element | Moral Lesson |
| The most type-A soccer mom ever | An absentee father who frequents little league games | A goblet that never runs out of Powerade | Hard work pays off if you’re rich |
| Schwarzhügel, the really awesome troll | A sexy little imp | A flying broom that really works your glutes | If ugliness is a disease, Botox is the cure |
| Katy Perry | Britney Spears | A kiss from a cherry-chapsticked girl | You’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no |
| A group of kids with flashlights | An evil cosmetics company | Friendship | Fortune 500 companies are no match for a ragtime group of scoundrels |
| A couple going through a nasty divorce | A snotty marriage counselor | A wand with pretty high resale value | Millennials get too many participation trophies |
| The Texas State Bobcats | Group in-fighting | A buzzer-beating three-pointer | We all speak the same language: basketball |
| Raul, your compliance officer | The Sacramento County DA’s office | The 27th Amendment | Friends don’t let friends drive drunk |
| A buffalo with a human brain | Their violent, intrusive thoughts | A mythical potion that intensifies your cravings for saltines | Small-scale chauvinism is a crushing blow to feminist progress |
| Gumby | Foghorn Leghorn | More friendship | Not Sorry, Reese’s Cups™ |
| A clumsy yet endearing waitress | The British Navy | Colonel Sanders’ Secret Blend of 14 Herbs & Spices | What good are all the world’s spices if you never use them? |
| O.J. Simpson | O.J. Simpson | Ill-fitting gloves | Acquittal is a funny word… |
Jacob Orloff is a fourth-year cinema and photography major who is still fighting for a writer’s credit on the new Puss in Boots. You can reach them at [email protected].