Pick-Up Lines That Would Absolutely Make the Girl Think You’re a Fucking Weirdo:
“Hey girl, am I your kid? ‘Cause you’re making me feel like Oedipus.”
Only intellectuals get this joke. Make sure you’re at a bar in some pretentious college town. If they get the joke, you’ll 100% get your teeth kicked in, because that’s probably the weirdest opening line ever. If they don’t get it, you’ll probably get an eye roll. Either way, no smart hot chicks for you.
“Are you North Korea? ‘Cause I can’t seem to get past your borders.”
If she’s being an emotionally unavailable bitch, this one is the way to go. Get those borders around your heart down, girl. Though be careful using this line, as she might manipulate you into staying with her forever.
“Are you a school? ‘Cause I’d love to fill you with my kids.”
This actually worked for my friend, once. Except both he and the other party were absolutely wasted. Perfect if you’re looking for that one-night stand you’ll never see again. You’re such a charmer.
“Are you a motel? ‘Cause I’d love to check in for the night.”
Get it? Cause a motel? Sex, and stuff…? Yeah, It’s pretty lame. Really make the girl you’re talking to feel like an object. I guess it’s good for those alpha males that really want a girl to “know her place.”
“You a washing machine? ‘Cause I’d fill you with my dirty load.”
If a girl has ever kicked the shit out of you in COD and dominated the team, you’ve probably heard this said to her in the lobby. It’s fucking nasty, by the way. Warning: will not work on a girl with any sense of self-decency.
Pick-Up Lines That are a 50/50 Chance of Getting Laid:
“Are you a shroom? ‘Cause I’d love to do you.”
Maybe you two can take shrooms and get down and dirty after playing this line? Watch out though, because if the trip is bad and you end up hallucinating a demonic entity watching you the whole time, that would ruin the mood. Then again, if you’re into voyeurism, it might be your thing. You do you, boo!
“Hey, are you Chernobyl? ‘Cause you’re making my heart radioactive”
Absolutely insanely cheesy. So cheesy it almost doesn’t make sense. I could see some weird history nerd in 5th grade putting this on a My Little Pony valentines day card. If the girl laughs, it’s probably forced. Imagine her grandfather was in there and died, what do you do then, when she starts crying and getting snot all over you? Good going broski.
“Sober you’d be a six, but with this drink, you’re a ten.”
If they’re absolutely off their rocker, there’s a chance they might not even understand that this is just straight-up an insult. So make sure you choose someone who definitely doesn’t look sober at the bar unless you’re looking to go home with missing teeth.
“Is your name spring? Because you’ll be coming soon.”
When my friend (the same one from before) tried this one, he got the most deadpan fucking stare ever. I swear to god, it lasted like a full minute before the girl turned away. She didn’t say a WORD. But I mean, I have to give him a point, because this is such a good line, and it’s applicable for any time of year!
“Are you a god? ‘Cause I’d get on my knees to worship you.”
This one is just straight-up something a desperate man would say. This gives discord mod to e-kitten vibes. Kinda gross vibes, the dude who says it is absolutely a bottom. No questions asked. So don’t ask this unless you want to be labeled as a bottom for your whole life.
You will 100% get laid:
“It’s getting crowded in here, wanna go back to my place?”
It works in every single movie. Maybe it’ll work for you, but only if you’re hot (and famous).
“Your boobs look heavy, can I hold them for you?”
Girls will absolutely swoon when you use this line. No need to spend money when your hands are right here and empty, yeah? Next time you’re out on the town having a few drinks and see someone with massive tits, try it for yourself!
Hailee Duanis is a second-year writing major who you should steer-clear of at the bar. You can reach them at [email protected].