A Woman’s Guide to Not Being An Inconvenience
I was recently kidnapped. I know what you’re thinking, “if you were kidnapped how are you writing this reflection right now?” To that I say; me-1, kidnapper- 0.
It happened when I was walking down the street, going for my daily hot girl walk. As I continued my walk, all of a sudden darkness consumed me. A bag was thrown on my head and handcuffs clasped on my hands. At first, I thought that my friends were the ones behind this. The bagging seemed like an unnecessary touch, and the handcuffs a bit…kinky, but maybe this was for a surprise party? It should have occurred to me that my birthday wasn’t for a couple more months, but maybe that was part of the surprise! It unfortunately was not. I was yet another victim of a hot girl walk.
I was thrown into the back of a car and we were off. As I sat, I realized that my hands were cuffed to my front, rookie mistake. I reached for my bag and was met with the texture and pattern of my childhood, the iconic vera bradley duffle bag. Interesting choice–I couldn’t disagree that the guy’s got taste. I slowly unzipped it and pushed the bag off. I had no idea what I was doing but it seemed like the right move. I was met with the glorious light and smells of being in the back of a Volkswagen bug. My instinct was to say punch buggy no punch backs, but I felt that was inappropriate for the situation. I moved past that thought, and wanted to let him know that I was able to take the bag off, you know, to help him improve his kidnapping abilities, and all I got was a yell to just keep it off. Not even a thank you? Rude.
So this guy clearly liked me. I mean he could have kidnapped ANYONE and he chose me. Honestly I was truly flattered, but I didn’t want to be a nuisance or a burden for him. The last thing I would want is for him to be mad at me. I did however notice he was quite handsome…ok I am getting off track now. I can’t look desperate.
We sat in silence and I’m not going to lie, it was a bit awkward. I asked if he had an aux cord or bluetooth I could hook up to, to get some jams going. There was no response so I just took it as a no. I get it, probably would have ruined the vibe. The music wasn’t the mood so maybe he wanted to chat, get to know one another. I could get down with some small talk. I barely knew the guy, I didn’t want to be rude and not ask him anything about himself. I asked him where he’s from and I was again met with silence. I tried a different approach. Maybe he wanted to avoid the superficial chats. I decided to guess his zodiac sign. That could be fun, lighten the mood. Not to stereotype all psychos but he was giving me major sagittarius vibes. He seemed adventurous and most serial killers are sagittariuses. But I didn’t know if this guy was a serial killer. Now I was a bad person for just making these assumptions. I tried to move up in my seat to see if I could get closer, to merge this distance between us. I was once again met with nothing from him. This was embarrassing. This cute guy didn’t even want to hold a conversation with me. Maybe it was something I said? He was probably mad at me. By this time the handcuffs were beginning to chafe and the car was a little stuffy. It’s ok though, I wasn’t complaining.
I didn’t know how much left we had of our drive, and I could feel the tension in the air. I couldn’t continue this without making sure we were good. I insisted that he talk to me, let me in on how he’s feeling. I let him know that if he was holding me for ransom, my cousin Jimmy would probably be the best to call, just because he wouldn’t get the cops involved and all of that stuff. He abruptly stopped the car and pulled over. This is it I thought, he hates me so much he’s killing me now. This is so embarrassing. He in fact did not pull us over to kill me but instead started to take my handcuffs. I let him know that I didn’t want to ruin his plans and that if this is going against his plans that I am pretty easy going and don’t want to ruin these plans. I’m sure he spent a lot of time on it. I mean I didn’t want to be a hassle! He took my handcuffs off, opened the door and pushed me out and then just left! Can you believe that?
I had once again scared another handsome man from my life. How do I keep doing this? As I sat on the cold wet grass that I was dropped off on to, I began to miss this man. I thought we could really make a connection together. I then came to the mortifying realization that I was experiencing Stockholm syndrome. I thought I would not be like every other kidnapee, but I too fell victim to my handsome kidnapper. Fuck, this is so embarrassing. I literally was pulling a Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Moral of the story, this was definitely the most embarrassing experience and I do not recommend it. Solid 5/10.
Allie Richter is a second-year psychology major who is investing in mace. You can reach them at [email protected].
Art by Selkie Racela.