Attempt to Resist Glepnir the Undying
Love is in the air, dear readers! As January turns to February and Cupid nocks an arrow to gore the hearts of romantics everywhere, reality TV fans rejoice as Fox unveils the first look at their new dating show Siren Song. Sure, we’re all familiar with one of the great ancient tenets of the reality show: singles meeting on an island. Foolproof, right? That’s why we can’t wait to see 5 hunky men and 5 gorgeous beach babes do just that this Valentine’s Day when the pilot of Siren Song airs! Our young lovers must attempt to find love…while resisting the hypnotic music of Glepnir the Undying!
Watch out, Milf Manor. There’s a new reality queen in town and her name is Siren Song!
The sneak preview released on Sunday showcases the luxurious spot that Fox picked for the new show, a beautiful villa built on the ornate purple sands of the Forbidden Shores in the Turks and Caicos Islands. Just offscreen, where its horrific visage can drive the layman to suicide, lies Glepnir the Undying, the breakout star straight from Abdul Alhazred’s Necronomicon. Merely looking at the photo fills my head with music played by cosmic instruments and compels me to smash my coworker’s head in with my laptop (just like that infuriating end to the new season of Dated & Related, am I right???). Meaning that not only do our stars align to form one beautiful lineup, but their willpower must be unmatched! Rupert Hillingham, an influencer from Liverpool, took to his Instagram on Monday to announce his joy at being cast on Siren Song.
“I think love is a pure and beautiful thing, and I think the golden clouds and black skies of the Forbidden Shores truly sets the stage for something special…and if that doesn’t work out then chirping peng birds on a beach is just as fresh, innit?” The 24-year old said while preparing his offering to Glepnir. Eagle-eyed viewers identified it as the lightbulb of an anglerfish drenched in the venom of a black adder–great work, Twitter! Fans quickly theorized that if Rupert plays his cards right, he just might be able to leverage it for a few minutes of sweet silence against the onslaught of eldritch horns and arcane pipes that shake the trees on the island. Disagreements arose as to the actual message of Hillingham’s post, as fans of the Dhol Chants debated whether or not he was attempting to cast an offensive or defensive spell before some very “cross” British fans confirmed that the TikToker was in fact just using roadman slang. Hillingham quickly emerged as a fan favorite and was last seen burning down a local church while smearing himself in goat blood.
Lachlan Murdoch, the CEO of Fox Entertainment himself, seems to have joined in on the hype! Murdoch posted a picture to his personal social media accounts that appeared to depict the chairman devouring a screaming intern from the chest outwards. It’s captioned “Glepnir watches and listens. To call it the Undying is a disservice, as it was here long before the infantile concept of death. Glepnir knows and sees all, and eight of our ten offerings on Siren Song will be appropriated into Glepnir’s folds. The remaining two will win an all-expenses paid trip to Maui and a $10,000 check donated to a charity of their choosing. The music is in my head. I must get it out. Get it out. Get it OUT.” Um, looks like someone’s taking advantage of the new 4,000 character limit on Twitter. Who would’ve thought the network that just renewed The Simpsons again wouldn’t know the meaning of brevity?
All this writer can say is that I can’t wait to see what Glepnir has instore for the ten chosen sweethearts, and hot bodies (figuratively and literally, due to the scalding temperatures of the bubbling waters of Hell Lagoon) and broken hearts (Glepnir has trouble eating such large organs in one piece) are sure to appear in spades. Ph’nglui mglw’nfah Glepnir wgah’nagi fhtagn indeed!
Will Cherico is a second-year cinema production major who will be making their debut on Fox next month! You can reach them at [email protected].