“Girl, I Told you to Dump His Ass.”
It’s February and Valentine’s Day is approaching, but love is not in the air. The number of singles for this upcoming Valentine’s Day is as alarmingly high as the current egg prices. Couples therapy must now make the decision to accept, reject or waitlist the influx of couples like a college admission staff.
Singles are desperately downloading all the dating apps, going as far as purchasing FindMyMate; The Dating App Made for Pets by Pets. Couples are collecting evidence like the FBI about their partners:
“Where were you the night my Extra Cheddar Goldfish went missing?”
“Don’t bother! The evidence doesn’t lie! I found the cheese dust in the creases of your seat on the couch!”
Meanwhile, everyone from single to in a relationship are wondering the answer to the burning question, “What are we?” Many are claiming that Cupid has ghosted them after they slid into his DM’s with “u up?”
Reports say that Cupid has become sick of modern dating, equating dating in the 21st century to eagerly buying a fixer-upper and thinking it’d be cute to DIY your home with no home improvement skills. (If you can barely handle painting the walls, how do you expect to deal with the cracked foundation the realtor conveniently forgot to mention?) In an exclusive interview with Cupid, he dives deep into the mental trauma of directing and producing all the reality TV shows related to love and dating, such as: The Bachelorette/The Bachelor, Love Island, Love is Blind, Too Hot to Handle, 90-Day Fiancé and the critically acclaimed Shrek the Musical.
When asked who blasted Cupid with a frozen heart, like how Elsa struck Anna’s heart with her ice powers in Frozen (SPOILERS!), he responded with “I shot the arrow at your person, and you said, ‘Nope! I’ll be with them instead.’” Cupid explains that he had to join Caffeine Addicts Anonymous after spending endless hours matching people up like a crazed maniac, using red string and a bulletin board like he’s trying to catch a murderer:
“I was tired of people coming to me crying about failed romances. People would approach me saying, ‘Ugh! I can’t believe I was cheated on! What do they have that I don’t?!’…My arrow. I spent hours of matchmaking, only to be paid a salary that can barely afford to buy a bag of discounted Valentine’s Hershey Kisses from a drugstore on February 15th.”
Currently, Cupid’s leave of absence this year remains indefinite. However, the odds seem bleak as to whether Cupid will end the union strike on love in the incoming year. Cupid describes his deplorable working conditions to be like coaching a preschool soccer team where 9 times out of 10, the kids will ignore you, do their own thing (proceeding to trip on their face), then cry when they lose:
“And they call me a baby?! *pfft* Tell that to the mascara streaking down your cheeks, you look like a raccoon. But trust me…the raccoons pull off the black cheek blush better than you ever could! Wipe your damn face! They weren’t worth it! I should know…”
After centuries of thankless matchmaking, Cupid has decided to set aside the bow and arrow and take on the stoner life:
“Switching from the bow to the bong has been the best decision I ever made. Now, when I receive complaints that I matchmake like a Stormtrooper shooting a blaster, I respond with ‘Damn bro. That’s rough.’”
The Department of Love and Sexual Deviancies is currently looking for an interim Chair of Love and Matchmaking. Applicants must be 18 months or older, bow and arrow skills required, must have proficient Instagram-Stalking abilities (profile picture changed from “happy couple” to individual and all posts related to partner gone missing?… New single??), and must be willing to take on the heat of the 24/7 Sexually Frustrated Hotline (overtime not included). Apply Now!
Lenley Aikin is a third-year mathematics major who is forming a union for holiday characters. You can reach them at [email protected].
Art by Surya Sharma.