Aries (March 21 – April 19):
- Aries is a true stab-ey type. They have no chill, they didn’t plan to kill you but you were just getting on their nerves, I mean, what were they supposed to do? They just grabbed the nearest kitchen knife and got the job done! However, they’ll definitely need help with all the clean up. Whoops!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- Taurus would most definitely bury you alive. They will make sure to find the quaintest little cemetery or a sweet, wonderful willow to bury you under, but be warned, they will show no mercy while they stare at your unconscious form as they bury you under.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
- Blunt force is the way to go for a Gemini. Gemini know they want to kill you and they’ve been fantasizing about it in their head for a while now, so the real question is how? They’ve been waiting for the right moment for so long at this point they might as well grab the nearest object and give you a sound knock on the head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- Cancers are partial to a classic vehicular manslaughter. With a simple but brutal method, Cancers plans to hit you on your daily run and then promptly use the car wash coupon their uncle gave them a year ago. They’ll claim that they just hit an animal while driving in the dark and couldn’t figure out what it was because it was raining that morning and they skidded out of control. When they find your body it’ll be as dry as the Sahara.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- Leos will plan to kill you with prolonged exposure to poison, but lose patience and just do it with a knife. Let’s set the scene: Leo has been slowly mixing arsenic in your tea every afternoon; you haven’t tasted anything weird because they’ve been making your favorite teacake to go with it. They calculated that it would take a month to truly get you out of commission but it’s been three and their favorite knife has been glinting at them from the corner of the room.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- Asphyxiation. It’s a classic. Virgo is systematic; they’ve done their research and they know exactly what rope they’re going to use and when they’re going to spring up behind you. They aren’t concerned with you putting up too much of a fight, and they’re going to relish seeing the surprise in your eyes when they finally make their move.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- Libra would go for an air shot between the toes. Libras are sneaky and they’ve read their fair share of murder mystery novels to know that a classic air shot into the bloodstream is the way to go. They plan to do the deed and slip off into the night, undetected.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- Scorpio knows you; they know your strengths, your weaknesses, the route you take on your morning run, and how many spoons of sugar you put into your coffee. Scorpio will not hesitate to use your allergies against you if you piss them off. They would make it out to be an accident or simply plan for someone else who’s also pissed them off to take the fall. All in a day’s work for Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- Sagittarius likes to think they would go for a classic knife, but they are definitely more brash. Sagittarius would fly at you in a blind rage and “accidentally” chop off a limb (or two). They will definitely freak out after and then decide to let you die of slow blood loss while they try to figure out where to bury your body, in front of you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- Capricorn has thought long and hard about how to kill you and finally settled on suffocation (not to be confused with Virgo’s asphyxiation!). Capricorn will find the smallest box to trap you in and slowly let out the air as they watch. Not to be messed with, those Capricorns.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
- Aquarius is sick of people thinking they’re a water sign. They do have an affinity for water though, and will promise you a lovely day of swimming and then “accidentally” drown you in an underwater cave. They will pretend to search for you for hours with search and rescue and then plan a wonderful funeral. Aquarius will truly mourn you, you were a good friend (while you lasted).
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
- Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. Did you think they would kill you by crying at you for hours? Wrong! You unattentive piece of shit. Pisces will get sick of you and spend hours planning the perfect push down the stairs. Oh, you didn’t die on the first flight? Get ready to be kicked down another. Don’t worry about them, though. They made sure to pick a building that conveniently didn’t have any security cameras!
By Ananya Gambhiraopet, a Sagittarius who is currently trying to figure out how to get blood off their carpet. They can be reached at email@example.com.