Have your favorite cereals become too dull? Do they fail to slash your cravings? Looking for something that chases your breakfast blues?
Con’vict Crunch is the solution! We’ve partnered with the prison holding the newly caught Cornpop Killer to bring the people this shocking new experience. For those out of the know, the Cornpop Killer has killed 61 adolescents by luring them into corn fields with promises of vodka, or for some of his younger victims, chips and salsa. Scarily enough, he’s even admitted to eating the skin and organs of some of his victims! Isn’t he so quirky? We were just so inspired by his story, and of course the stories of the victims, that we wanted to make a cereal related to his story.
Every box of Con’vict Crunch has a flavor based on one of the victims, as a way of paying respects. We’ve designed the cereal pieces to resemble the letters A, E, O, and H, as a nod to the terrifying ways CK’s victims went out. To add some flair, we’ve designed some charms to match the way the victims were killed. Get into the killers mindset with some scarily sugarey charms shaped like bones, organs, and the victims’ face screaming!
We’ve created a revolutionary formula for every flavor to tinge the milk red, like you’re drinking the blood of the victims. But, for the full effect, look in your local grocery store for our partner “First Spill” milk. It takes the milk from anemic pink to vibrant red!
Every Con’vict Crunch box has the harrowing story of the victims, alongside gore-ious artwork depicting their reported deaths. Look out for special alternate arts for the first three flavors, “Sandy Strawberry, ” “Connor Chocolate, ” and “Vanja Vanilla. ”There’s only so many of them, so act fast!
Some of you may be wondering, “Do you have permission from the victims’ families?” Of course we do! Below is a written approval from Sandy’s mother.
I, Maria SmitH, mothEr of the truLy loved Sandy Smith, have given my exPress permission for My daughter’s likEness to be included on the inaugural batch of Con’vict Crunch cereal. I am, in no way, being threatened or paid off by this corporation.
Now you can’t sue us, since we’ve got it in writing!
Sadly, there were too many victims of the Cornpop Killer to keep every flavor around forever. So, each victim is a limited time deal! Go and consume them now! And, if you are one of the first 610 people to call 1-800-STAB-ING, you’ll get all three hauntingly good flavors with one guaranteed alternative box art! And, one in ten callers will get a knife keychain. Is it a real knife? You’ll have to see.
And to celebrate the launch of Con’vict Crunch, we’ve included a word search
that’ll let one lucky winner tour the prison the Cornpop Killer is held in!
R U N X W N P N Y
P Q O C A U G H T
O E Q Y L C M S K
N C R F S W V O D
E Q W I L L S Z A J
M O R E S W Q H F
N Z A T P H C H S W
Emily Levine is a first-year psychology major who enjoys a dash of blood in their cereal every morning. You can reach them at [email protected].