A White Family’s Paradise
I want you to imagine something:
You’re in an airport after a beach vacation. You are sunburnt, tired and somehow relaxed, but reluctant to go back to the real world. It took you two hours to get through security because, despite the insistent yelling of the security guards, thirteen people didn’t know they had to take their shoes off. While multiple kids, all under the age of six, are throwing temper tantrums while their parents just stand there.
You watch someone put their backpack in a tray and then WALK AWAY before it gets to the conveyor belt. The bag is still on the belt rollers that are not motorized. They won’t move by themselves. Sir, you have to push your bag. Push. Your. Bag.
Then another woman is asking if she should take her three-year-olds Ipad out of the bag, and the TSA officer just stares at her in disbelief.
Ma’am, what have they all been yelling for the past two hours we have been standing in line? All electronics larger than a phone must be put in a separate tray!
There should be a separate line for people who apparently forget how to go through security every time they come to the airport.
Take your shoes off. JUST TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.
Okay, you made it through security only to find out your flight is delayed two hours. What airport restaurant does your family choose in order to end the vacation with a bang?
A white family’s paradise…
Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville…
Where some people are hungover beyond their wildest nightmares, while others are trying to get as drunk as possible before they board the plane home.
We had a two-hour wait till our plane started boarding. So, we sat there listening to “Margaritaville” (on repeat) and watching a lovely little video of white people in Hawaiian shirts and parrot hats tailgating before a Jimmy Buffet Concert circa 2003.
Here is a list of things I think have been said by those white people:
- “Let’s rock and roll” or “Let’s blow this popsicle stand” when it’s time to leave
- “What’s the damage?” when looking at the bill at a restaurant
- When the waitress asks if they enjoyed their food saying “No, we hated it.”
- “Get these away from me” or “These are dangerous” when eating a snack
- “Must be free then” when an item doesn’t scan
- “Printed those this morning” when a cashier checks the cash they used to pay
- “Let’s play it by ear…” when there is no plan
- “Working hard or hardly working?” when seeing someone at their job
- “Fancy meeting you here” when they run into someone they just saw
- “How do you like dem apples?” when they are winning at game night
- “Just what the doctor ordered” when they relax on the beach
- “Cold enough for ya?” when it’s freezing outside
- “It’s raining cats and dogs” or “We sure needed that” when it rains
And finally, my personal favorite. Directly from Jimmy Buffet himself: “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”
White people love being told it’s time to drink. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” I’d be able to pay off my student loans.
Kate Miller is a second-year Integrated Marketing Communications major who likes their Margarita on the rim and salt in the glass. You can reach them at email@example.com.
Art by Julia Young.