Out with the Old, In With the Worse
Listen, we all know what kind of shows the CW makes: Confusing, far too sexual teen shows with edge. What is edge? Well, usually… more of teenagers having way too detailed and way too crazy sex. And also… unnecessary reboots. The channel’s current crowning glory is Riverdale, a show that is so insane I forget it’s real sometimes. They just added to their list of edgy, gritty reboots with the upcoming… live-action Powerpuff Girls TV show? Really? Who needs that?
I thought since the CW found such a “good” niche they might want some help for ideas of other classic – mainly children’s – shows they can make a reboot of.
1. Clifford the Big Red Dog
Clifford. The story of a girl and her massive, massive dog. Pretty wholesome, right?
Well, what if the dog wasn’t big because of magic, or whatever reason Clifford gives, but because he’s actually the result of illegal genetic experiments. Emily Elizabeth is the sweet pre-teen daughter of a scientist who finds out that her father has been involved in some shady shit and then befriends the big dog. She figures out how to free him and now they’re on the run from the law— girl and giant, giant dog.
I Don’t know how they manage to stay hidden but they do. The CW’s worked with less plausible material before.
…Wait, what do you mean they’re making a live-action Clifford?
2. Scooby Doo
Something’s strange about Coolsville. There’s old legends that seem like they may be real, secrets whispered under breath, and a hell of a lot of crime where the criminals dress up like ghosts while committing tax fraud.
The Scooby Gang isn’t a group of kids running around after ghost stories; they have their own Private Eye business, complete with an actual office leased under Fred’s dad’s name (without his knowledge) all while living the lives of normal highschoolers who are played by thirty year olds.
They somehow manage to work what is essentially a full-time job while also applying to college, but you never actually see them in class. Fred and Daphne have an incredibly drawn out will-they-won’t-they romance that gets annoying the second time they break up.
The stakes are high: try to avoid getting murdered and hope Velma gets admitted to Harvard. Both of these are treated as exactly the same level of importance.
…Oh fuck, this is just Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated, isn’t it?
3. My Life As a Teenage Robot
I’m going to be perfectly honest: I have never watched this show, so everything I say from here on out is based entirely upon the fact that the show is about a teenage robot named Jenny. That’s all I’ve got.
Here’s the promo: Jenny is your average teenage girl, with one giant secret: she’s a robot. She may not look it – she actually looks exactly like a normal human person except if you lift up her bangs there’s a hinge where her head opens, exclusively because there’s no way the CW has enough money to make someone look like a robot every episode – but Jenny is all mechanical parts and wiring.
She has all the hormones of a normal teenager, despite having been created 24.5 days before her first day of sophomore year, which means Jenny only has time for two things: boys and popularity.
So basically, it’s Riverdale except instead of murder and Dungeons & Dragons rip-offs there’s a robot and her mad scientist father, and instead of Archie Jones we have Totally-Not-Noah-Centineo-In-A-Ginger-Wig.
I told you, I’ve never seen the show.
4. Monster High
All your favorite ghouls are still just a bunch of teenage monsters just trying to live their life, dealing with really important questions like who’s dating who and how many immortal ex-boyfriends does Draculuara really have?
But this time, they’re not living in a world that seems to be only monsters; no, they’re having to exist in the human world – and they have to hide their monster identities for fear of being discovered.
It very quickly turns into a poorly thought out metaphor for -somehow- both racial discrimination and homophobia. Cleo gets hate–crimed for being a mummy at one point. I don’t know what that means either.
5. ALF
The Jones’ are your typical, middle class American Dream family, complete with the two and half kids, white picket fence, and a loveable dog and cat duo. One day, something lands in their backyard. The kids – all two and a half of them – go out to find… a fucking weird little alien.
The Jones’ take him in, and try to make him feel a part of the family. Then strange things start happening. Things start going missing and one day so does the cat. They start to suspect that their little alien pal might be trying to eat them… or fuck them?
6. Cyberchase
Remember Ready Player One? Of course you don’t.
Anyway, the basic gist is that Matt, Jackie, and Inez find themselves trapped in Cyberspace. It’s basically Narnia but with math problems and polyhedrals instead of boring shit like talking lions and murderous witches.
They end up helping a mysterious presence called Motherboard – who is a suspicious AI that might have more control over the world then they think – in defeating Hacker, a Joker-esq villain who is intent on destroying Motherboard’s control over the world.
Inexplicably, he is played by Timothée Chalamet.
The friends soon find out there’s a catch to their magical world – besides the math: if you die in cyberspace, you die in real life.
7. Jem and the Holograms
Listen. I know that they made a live–action Jem and the Holograms movie but that was bad and I think I can do worse.
So: Jericha is just your average daughter of a billionaire. She lives a normal teenager life, has normal teenager friends. But one day, her father dies, leaving seventeen year old Jericha the entire family business – because it’s definitely legal for a seventeen year old to own a business. She soon finds out about a secret technology her father had been working on – Synergy, a holographic AI who can make other holograms.
Soon, the clincley stage-frightened Jerica finds herself able to live her dream – be in a band with her friends. Synergy’s able to use her holograms to disguise the girls, giving them the chance to become superstars.
But all isn’t as happy as it seems, and what follows is a dark exploration into the way fame slowly changes a person and destroys friendships. Suddenly, Jericha may not have anyone on side…
Meanwhile, rival band The Misfits come up with increasingly ridiculous and far-fetched plans to try to steal Synergy.
8. Pokémon
It’s Pokémon but the Pokémon are fucked up.
Listen. We all remember the original design from the live–action Sonic the Hedgehog movie. It is very easy to fuck up a cute cuddly creature. The only faith I have in the CW is in creating unholy abominations.
9. Dora the Explorer
… What do you mean there’s already a live-action Dora movie??
Alright I’m just gonna ignore that one.
Dora is no longer a little girl: she’s a strong, independent woman teenager. You can tell because she wears a crop top now. She starts going on more and more dangerous adventures to foreign, unknown places. You know, like that movie National Treasure.
She leaves her family (and high school) behind, and along the way makes allies, like Backpack, a kid who calls themselves Backpack, and Boots, who is a talking monkey. There’s also that pesky Swiper who keeps showing up…
Swiper is also played by Timothée Chalamet.
10. Winx Club
… Wait… this… exists already??
Ugh. That’s all the ideas I can stomach. You don’t realize how much psychic damage the mental image of Timothée Chalamet as Hacker from Cyberchase can cause until you imagine it.
CW, I hope you die in a fire.
Newt Andia is a first-year journalism major who is excited to announce their summer internship working for the CW. You can reach them at [email protected].