“Wouldn’t you kill for these shoes?”
Last November, on Black Friday, a woman was rushed to the hospital with serious injuries after being trampled by another woman for various items of clothing . It’s October 2021 and the trial of the Black Friday Trampler has finally come to an end. After the horrific Black Friday incident of 2020 and a grueling year-long trial, the defendant, a middle-aged woman, walks free out of the courthouse in her 3.7-inch heel, Louis Vuitton Star Trail Pumps—her most expensive investment, aside from the cost of this case, from last Black Friday.
The case of the Black Friday Trampler exploded in popularity via Twitter and true crime Tik Tok when the defendant arrived at the first court day—dressed in the very outfit she trampled the victim for. Comments ranged from shock, some disgust, but mostly admiration, sparking the trend #FashionKills. She continued to appear in court wearing 2020 Black Friday outfits, becoming the Lady Gaga of the courthouse and strutting up to the stand. Just as fast as the defendant went to trample the victim, this case quickly left people split between caring about fashion and denying interest; the same way girls deny thinking Timothée Chalamet is hot until they meet him in person.
Throughout the duration of the case, the defendant chose to be her own defense after she read ten hours of WikiHow and Law For Dummies. In her research, she discovered Ted Bundy led his own defense and stated, “If a serial killer like Bundy can defend himself in court, then so can I! I’m 10x hotter and am simply wearing a killer outfit. At least I’m not a legit killer in an outfit.” Clearly her strategies worked, since she left the jury more concerned about their next Ebay bids for her Versace scarves instead of the actual verdict. Some of her notable arguments include:
1. “I am deeply sorry for using the victim as a step-stool. I didn’t think my body weight would injure her the way it did. It was really a misjudgement on my part, however, when you’re only a 5’2” woman and the Louis Vuittons are on the top shelf, how else are you supposed to gain some extra height on a Black Friday?”
2. “I would like to mention that on Black Friday, the victim was nonchalantly browsing the store like it was Barnes & Noble. It’s as if she did not know what day it was. Black Friday is like Rainbow Road in Mario Kart. It’s either move out of the way or be pushed off the track”
3.“If I had the chance to purchase these Black Friday deals online, I would. Black Friday shoppers are violent. However, have you seen the mail system lately? With mail delivery being backed up like a Chipotle with mobile orders, manslaughter seems to be the only option when Amazon is a week late”
After months of deliberation about whether or not stripes go with animal print, the judge and jury ruled the defendant not guilty. According to the jury, they thought it was more of a crime to ignore the Black Friday deal on the one day of the year known as the “Shopper’s Purge:” for 24 hours, shoppers have the chance to snag any deal they can get before capitalism resets. The victim even stated in agreement that Black Friday is the Hunger Games and she unknowingly volunteered as tribute that day. As a free woman, the Black Friday Trampler’s final statement leaving the courthouse was, “I’m glad the case is closed. Now, I can finally focus on November 2021’s Black Friday. Stay tuned for my next killer outfit.”
Lenley Aikin is a second-year exploratory student who just learned the secret to getting blood out of leather. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org. Art by Sarah Borsari.