It was Actually Just Capitalism in a Sparkly Trench Coat the Whole Time
Breaking news! We have identified the subject after months of trying! Now that we’ve uncovered who our sneaky subject is, a lot of people seem to be having reactions of complete shock and astonishment.
Perhaps we should update you on the story: early in 2021 a mysterious figure cloaked in a to-die-for pink trench coat made by an unidentified designer stormed the land.
It seemed that the cloaked-figure was everywhere, being found in multiple cities but never being identified. We began to call the subject Miss Girlboss Culture and we began to adore her. We even gave her a little slogan “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss…” We’d often spy her waking up before everyone else, stepping on other people and writing three books before the microwave countdown ever had the chance. I mean, I think we all wanted to be her at one point. That’s until I think we began getting suspicious of how ethical Miss Girlboss Culture was. I mean how possible is it that you actually get up at 5am everyday and have built an empire by 6am? She was also always trying to sell us new products in her videos she often posted on TikTok.
Well folks, we have finally caught the subject and it turns out our sparkly subject was just Mr. Capitalism in deguise. *Sigh.* I mean, are we surprised?
We caught up with Mr. Capitalism to interview him about his little heist. When we asked him if he regretted manipulating people into working for him he just shrugged and said “they made the individual choice and what’s better than individualism?” He didn’t much feel like answering any of our other questions such as “do you know how horrible you are?”
Mr. Capitalism will not be held accountable for his injustices such as tricking several women to overwork themselves for him without their knowledge.
We caught up with one of Mr. Capitalism’s victims, Miss Boss Babe. Miss Boss Babe is clearly still brainwashed by Mr. Capitalism’s actions saying “What’s wrong with all this? I can sell stuff from my home from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep! Money! Who doesn’t like money?” We sighed and gave up on the rest of the interview.
It turns out people aren’t as surprised as how we thought they might be. I know I might have said otherwise a few paragraphs ago. Contrary to popular news headlines, it turns out the majority of society sort of saw this coming I realize.
Mikayla Tolliver is a second-year writing major who is now afraid to take off their sparkly trench coat. You can reach them at [email protected].