Claims we must “Purge all thoughts of the life we knew before.”
The pandemic has divided people around the world-but mostly in America—to wear a mask or not to wear a mask? Well the answer is pretty obvious, and even the Angel of Music has stepped out of the shadows in solidarity. In between dimly-lit and foggy boat rides in secret moats, the Phantom of the Opera brings you advice on how to survive the pandemic:
- Make realistic, life-size dolls of the people you love—you won’t get sick from hanging with them
- Sabotage musicals (over Zoom)
- Listen to the “Phantom of the Opera/WAP” remix
- Hold family masquerade dinners in your house every night
- Learn how to play the piano
- Write, compose and perform your own opera on Zoom for everyone you have ever met
- Create a shrine for your latest TikTok crush
- Plan your dream wedding on Pinterest (think mason jars circa 2013)
- Tell your crush you’re in love with them (if you’re reading this, Christine, my heart belongs to you alone)
- Drop backdrops or chandeliers on non-mask wearers
- After realizing the love of your life sees you as a stalker, disappear into your throne (or spinning office chair, same difference), which if you think about it, is the ultimate form of social distancing. You can’t endanger anyone if you no longer exist.
The Phantom assures the public that no one is a bigger advocate for wearing masks than he is, even though the source of his infamy is a mask that does not cover his mouth or nose. When asked about this crucial difference between his traditional mask and an N95, the Phantom assured me he was wearing both masks, leaving only a small portion of his face exposed. Although most theatre productions have halted for the time being due to COVID-19, for the rehearsals and performances that continue on, the Phantom continues to reserve Box 5 for the sake of social distancing. But ultimately, even when things get better, (and Edward Cullen has survived yet another pandemic) the Phantom hopes masks will be as common as wearing your underwear so that one day, he will no longer stalk the sewers or rafters, but the wide–open streets.
Sarah Moon is a third-year writing major who spent a whole stimulus check on dry ice and candles for a basement lair. You can reach them at email@example.com.
Art by Ananya Gambhiraopet.