They imagined everything they could do with the power of flex tape
“As Roman Catholics, we believe in miracles,” said the confident sixty-three-year-old Jerome Diluvian, standing tall with one hand in the newly built arc constructed solely out of flex tape (and I’m not masking the truth here).
COVID-19 has been the elephant in the arc for several months now, but there will be no elephants aboard the greatest voyage 2020 has to offer. The Diluvians are a family from Apocalypse Peaks, Antarctica and consist of six members: Jerome, the primary architect, Cherise, the seventy-nine-year-old craftswoman, and their four Jigokudanis, which are monkeys native to Antarctica. These monkeys specifically have their hands in the project.
Jerome created the blueprint and gave the rest of the family the responsibility to build it. The oldest, Chunk, bites off the appropriate length of flex tape and passes it off to the youngest, Pinky, who hands the piece to Cherise. Cherise adds the tape to the structure and then the twins, Bane and Naina, solidify and test the quality of the creation. “These monkeys are more trustworthy than any human child I’ve ever seen, so I know that this arc will hold us all in together,” notes Jerome without a single quandary.
Cherise commented that the monkeys were “raised as religious creatures under God. When I first saw the virus on cable, I was sitting next to my homemade model of Noah’s divine creation. They were saying how we’d be forced to stay inside, and I knew that my babies weren’t going to be interested in that option. So, I did some research. Phil Swift really has a way with words…”
Phil Swift is the CEO of Swift Response, the American company specializing in adhesive bonding products, which spiked in revenue after making $8,400 in the only sale they’ve ever made. The Diluvians were the first and only individuals to buy Flex Tape. Building an arc in order to escape the coronavirus was essential because “it’s only a matter of time before she sweeps these parts.” All six members of The Diluvian family won’t let this virus wash them away, as they all plan to begin traveling as a unit in the weeks to come. I’m not sure they even know when.
They say the project took 489 hours straight using 1400 roles of this strong, rubberized, waterproof tape. The arc turned out to have enough room in order to social distance two of the world’s largest crocodiles aboard this flex tape masterpiece. Phil Swift sawed a boat in half and The Diluvians built an arc: there are two kinds of people in this world.
Apocalypse Peaks is pretty much desolate, containing no locals who have witnessed the Diluvians at work. (I wondered, “why were they worried if no one was around to expose them?” I digress, people cope in mysterious ways.)
Carolyn Langer is a third-year clinical health studies major who has been taped to the ceiling for a week. You can reach them at email@example.com.