A Guide for Weaklings
Teenagers are subject to all sorts of fads and trends. The latest thing these crazy kids are interested in is staring directly into the Sun. Sound impossible? Not if you follow these easy tips!
You want to make sure that the object of your focus is, in fact, the Sun and not a) a different star doomed to supernova, b) a solar eclipse (this is different and we claim no responsibility for damaged retinas) or c) the Moon (you can’t be serious…).
A good training regimen for strong eyes includes staring contests with friends. Once your friends are too easily defeated, I recommend staring contests with cats. They don’t blink much. Also consider bringing your screen time to at LEAST ten hours a day. Maximum efficiency results from 15+ hours. Also consider shining flashlights directly into your eyes or staring at an open flame until time loses all meaning.
- Make sure you put on sunscreen so you don’t burn during this important endeavor. Spray sunscreen is ideal if you don’t want to look like a loser putting on lotion sunscreen. Don’t spray it into your hands and then apply, make sure you just spray your face directly.
- If you wear glasses, take them off. Licensed ophthalmologists are not trained in sun-staring, so make sure to disregard any and all advice they give you.
- The best time of day to stare into the Sun is noon, when the Sun is highest in the sky. Novices may recommend starting by staring at the sunset, or when the Sun is not as bright, but that is terrible advice. If you want to truly ascend, you must start strong.
- Consider moving to Antarctica for half the year so that you can stare at the Sun (as long as you can physically stand being awake for 182.5 days straight) in the frozen tundra.
- If you really, really, want a good look at the Sun, buy a magnifying glass or a good pair of binoculars to help you out.
When your eyes are filled with tears and you see more black spots than blue sky, you’re doing it right. If everything else on the list fails, (due to error on your part, of course) become an astronaut and fly into space to be even closer to the Sun.
Due to an unfortunate contractual obligation, I must inform you that sun-staring may result in, but is not limited to: retinal damage, blindness, insanity, bleeding, and in some cases, death (but no regrets, man).
Sarah Moon is a second year writing major who wears goggles with flashlights taped on the lenses. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.