Our Magazine Has Entered Retrograde
Horoscopes. What a concept! From checking Co-Star every morning to Instagram memes unapologetically roasting Scorpios for… well… being Scorpios, astrology has resurfaced into a cultural phenomenon of borderline spirituality and frank cynicism. When one is born, the stars are aligned at the right place and time and a bunch of other pseudoscience bullshit, and there you go… ASTROLOGY. There are 12 signs to justify every kind of toxic personality trait in existence. Common knowledge of astrology elaborates on the basic sun sign. However, a person has a specific sign and certain personality traits that align with every planet, including Pluto and the Moon, since… you know… both are considered planets.
Here are some half-assed horoscopes for November:
Dear Aries, in November you just might run straight into a wall. Like… quite literally run into a wall. Don’t drive. Stop ordering Ubers. Walk EVERYWHERE. Know that you are a train off the rails, but also a passenger falling into doom and despair. Mercury is in retrograde and you are on fire. Yes, you will feel obligated to run head first, taking the month by storm. However, behind your head is your body. PLEASE take the risks you’ve been pondering for the past few months. Start a company. Climb a tree. Get blackout drunk and regret everything the next morning. November is a time to focus on yourself and time is not real, but a construct, so really binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and dissociating for an entire month might be the right move.
Dear Taurus, you think you are doing fine. But you know the truth. YOU KNOW. Don’t beat around the bush. November is not a time for this half-assed persona you’ve put on to seem stable. To quote the great Gerard Way, you are not “o-fuckin-kay!”. Everything’s just gonna get worse no matter your attitude. That’s just the essence of Mercury in retrograde. Your life is in fact FUCKED. For November, accept that you are fucked and there is no way out. Do something that makes you happy. Set something on fire. Bake a cake. Blow out your speakers with Avril Lavigne. Read Buzzsaw’s latest Puberty issue. The Universe is resurrecting your emo phase. The early 2000’s are trending, and you are relapsing.
Dear Gemini, you just might be thriving in November. Everyone will love you. Everyone will respect you. You will be a role model. You will be a MODEL. VSCO the shit out of some photos and post on Instagram. Tweet your heart out. Delete Facebook; its a scam. Start a blog. You WILL succeed. You WILL become an influencer. Jeffree Star WILL be QUAKING. Play the lottery. Seriously, play the lottery EVERY DAY. Become desperate. Split your earnings between McDonalds black coffees and innumerable stacks of scratch tickets. Become the person you were always meant to be. A fucking CLOWN.
Dear Cancer, in November you should buy a new armchair or couch. Make sure it’s comfortable, because you may be doing a whole lotta sitting and watching your family members individually combust into flames. Don’t talk to any Taurus; their horoscope told them to commit arson. Relationships could be rocky in November. If you’re already in a relationship, make sure to consult with your partner of any potential bumps in the road. They could hit a pothole, or a small animal or even another person. If you are single, watch out for the same bumps. You could hit a squirrel, or a deer or a turtle. In November, you should experiment with a new diet. Maybe try a vegan or gluten free diet. Just DO NOT become a pescetarian… YOU ARE A CRAB… THAT IS CANNIBALISM!!!
Dear Leo, you will only get through this Mercury in retrograde if you bottle up all your emotions. Seriously. Get a bottle. Scream into it. Cry into it. I really don’t care how you do it, just somehow stuff all of your emotions into a bottle. Preferably glass. Make sure to recycle it at the end of the month. We don’t want those toxic emotions polluting our oceans.
Dear Virgo, you work way too fucking much. Take some time off. Quit your job. Drop out of school. Honestly, it’s fine. It’s 2019; you don’t need a job. The Earth is dying either way. November is a time to travel. You just quit your job so stick to those AirBNB’s with like 3 stars in random U.S. cities like Fort Wayne, Indiana or Laredo, Texas. Stick to the recurring theme of fire. Put all of your clothes into a pile and set a match to it. Now with no clothes, you have something to do in these boring af random U.S. cities. BUY NEW CLOTHES. Go fuckin wild. Walk into the closest Gap IN THE NUDE, sign up for that Gap Inc. credit card for the dope ass 20% discount and max that baby out. Its 2019; you don’t need a good credit. The Earth is dying either way.
Dear Libra, November is not a good month to have sex. Stay abstinent. The Universe is already destroying your family life, so why add another member to the mix. I don’t care what gender you identify as, pregnancy can and will happen to ANYONE. If you have sex in the month of November, you will become pregnant. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. If you and your partner were percolating on raising a family, then please — by all means — stop wearing a condom. In other news, November’s mercury in retrograde will bring a sense of nostalgia. The Universe will attempt to persuade you to purchase a 6-month membership for Wizard101. You need to ask yourself if this is honestly a good investment. I’ll give you my honest opinion. Yes, it is.
Dear Scorpio, you are gonna have the time of your life in November. You finally found a core group of people you can trust. October gifted you a Coven, and November is the time to rule as Supreme. This is your time. You have found your purpose. You can be their leader. Did you see Joker? You could be the next Joaquin Phoenix. You could have the motherload of all mental breakdowns and unintentionally start a revolution. You are a manic psychopath. Achieve your dreams. Get the balls up and ACTUALLY storm Area 51.
Dear Sagittarius, it’s time to call Anna Wintour. You need a wardrobe change. It’s time to be a game changer, an influencer. November is a time for chunky dino stomper Filas (yeah, you know the ones) and oversized Goodwill college sweatshirts. November is the perfect time to dye your hair. How does platinum sound? Did you see that bright blue ukulele on clearance at Target? Yeah, you need that. It looks quirky and relatable. Post it on Instagram. Oh a caption? With November’s sense of irrationality, obviously some basic ass lyrics from The 1975 will work. Basically, November will turn you into a white girl.
Dear Capricorn, November calls for physical exhaustion. Join a new sport or buy a gym membership. Find evening activities where you can focus all the built up energy of your day into a healthy exercise routine. Find something childlike and nostalgic. Buy a Wii off Ebay. Play some Just Dance or Wii Sports Resort (obviously the dominant Wii Sports installment). Mercury is in retrograde which means you can burn more calories. Don’t research it. There’s no scientific backing. You just have to BELIEVE!!! That’s all for Capricorns. You guys aren’t very interesting, so there’s really not much to say.
Yeah, you guys are fucked.
Dear Pisces, November brings a focus on ADVENTURE and career. I know… one of those sounds stressful and quite frankly boring AF. So let’s just stick to the theme of ADVENTURE. Have some fun this month. It’s simple. Explore the local attractions. Try a restaurant. Use those UberEats discount emails that stay unopened in your inbox. Take yourself out on a date. Drink four glasses of wine and flirt with locals on Tinder. Tip your waiters well. November will force you alone with your thoughts. You will have a moment of realization. Your Neuroscience major is a piece of shit and you need to switch to something more practical. An English major with a minor in Psychology sounds nice. The voice in the back of your head is setting an intention for drastic self sabotaging actions. Listen and act out.
Ian Hopper is a first year television-radio major who’s busy fire-proofing their house in case a Taurus comes to visit. You can reach them at email@example.com.