It’s just not getting any better
I really just don’t care anymore. I don’t. I used to watch the news and I’d hear a story about someone who lost their cat up a tree, featuring an interview with the heroic fireman who climbed the ladder of his truck to rescue the forlorn kitty. I would be taken with the tension. Will the cat make it down from the tree? Will it fall and lose possibly the last of its nine lives? Will the firetruck make it in time? That was riveting stuff.
Do you know what I heard on the news yesterday? I heard that Russian bots had hacked into the simulation Elon Musk has been telling us all we’ve been living in and are now threatening to blackmail our alien overlords into changing the results of the US election. Apparently, the aliens are into some freaky stuff, and it does happen to involve pee, or whatever their pee equivalent is. This was on CNN! Don’t look it up, I’m sure it’s been retracted, but I swear it was. And I didn’t even bat an eye. I literally thought to myself, “cool” and then shut the TV off and went to sleep. I don’t even know why I turn on the TV anymore. Fiction has become reality and reality has become trite. I swear, if our generation was alive when Orson Welles was broadcasting The War of the Worlds, we would all be like, “Ok, sounds legit.” Everyone would still believe it, just nobody would give a damn because an alien invasion seems almost preferable to whatever else is happening.
I’m not the only one who has stopped caring. The people down the street from me just recently invested in a boat. Now, I know that sounds completely normal, but you also have to consider the fact that they don’t have a car to pull the boat. I asked them why they bought a boat if they had no way to use it, and they told me (this is a true story) that with global warming they would only have to wait a few years before the world implodes on itself. They found a way to incentivize the mutual destruction of humanity. At first, I was appalled. I couldn’t understand why they would do such a thing. Then I took a hike in the forest and saw someone just tossing multiple full bags of trash into a pond. I have since invested in a boat, because why not.
Sean Stouffer is a second year Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who offers free boat rides to his underground bunker. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.