Countless injured on Valentine’s Day
“Love hurts. There is no getting around it. But I always thought of that saying in a more metaphorical sense. Sitting on a cold park bench with an arrow protruding from my chest surrounded by medical personnel was not what I had in mind when I said, ‘Love will stab you in the back.’ Nor was it my first thought when a friend told me, ‘She’ll break your heart.’ Sometimes the world can be a very harsh, literal place.”
That was twenty-nine-year-old Chris Morris, speaking as one victim in a terrible slew of attempted murders all across the country this Valentines Day.
Police are still trying to piece together the connection between the cases. It seems as if everyone shot was hoping to fall for the right person this Valentine’s Day but instead fell to the ground and began to bleed out in a remarkably unattractive way.
These attacks beg the question: who would be so brash, so cold hearted as to shoot these hopeless romantics down with such an archaic weapon?
According to an officer, the suspect is a “one-foot-tall, winged man with the face and demeanor of little baby.”
An official report urges the public to refrain from any form of affection for the foreseeable future. Kissing, hand holding, affectionate name calling, prolonged eye contact, or even a playful punch on the arm could put you in danger of being shot through the chest by a winged baby wielding an arrow.
“We have a serious problem on our hands,” Chief Hansom said. “Keeping bow and arrows out of the hands of flying babies has always been a weak point for our department. We know that, and we’re doing our best to better prepare our officers for when the worst happens out there.”
In addition to baby self-defense, Chief Hansom says that she also requested funding for love preventative tactics which would help to nip this problem in the bud before it even has a chance to get out on the streets.
As for the community itself, people are afraid. After the report came out, #cancelvalentines began trending on Twitter and bow and arrow activists started to come out of the woodwork.
“Everyone thought our cause didn’t matter,” said Theresa Doolittle, founder of No Mo’ Bows, an anti-bow and arrow activist group.
“They said, ‘Nobody uses those,’ or ‘What century are you living in?’ Well, I’m living in this century. Look who’s crazy now.”
Theresa petitions local officials to restrict bow and arrow use, starting with cutting off their availability to winged babies. Critics of No Mo’ Bows argue that bow and arrows don’t kill people, tiny mythical cherubs kill people.
Or maybe it’s love itself that is truly to blame for these unfortunate events. Regardless, if you happen to have any information on the whereabouts of a one-foot tall winged man baby, please contact your local authorities as soon as possible.
This is a developing story.
Sean Stouffer is a second-year writing for film, TV, and emerging media major who wore a full suit of armor this Valentine’s Day. Reach them at email@example.com.