Countries prepare to send forth their most jacked up, mutated athletes
This week, the International Olympic Committee announced that they were preparing to hold the world’s first Doping Olympics. In their statement, the committee clarified that this would be a special Olympic competition only for athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs.
One committee member commented, “To be honest, I think good sportsmanship is pretty boring. That’s part of why we started working on this. The people who want to see athletes playing fair can keep watching the normal Olympics. The rest of us can have fun watching real-life superhumans break world records at every event. And besides, athletes are going to keep doping anyway, so we might as well just let them do it in a separate environment.” He added, “The Doping Olympics aren’t about fairness; they’re about entertainment.”
Since the announcement, doctors from around the world have been developing their own performance enhancing drugs. Scientists have made breakthroughs in genetic engineering, increasing the athletes’ strength, speed and endurance. Buzzsaw spoke to Sarah Mendel, a swimmer who is currently training for the Doping Olympics. She explained, “Basically what happened, a scientist injected me with a glowing green fluid and when I woke up, I suddenly had webbed hands and feet. So that’s pretty neat. Makes swimming a lot easier, I guess.”
One doctor spoke of the possible ethical problems with mutating athletes in such dramatic ways, but added, “We got assurance from the Olympic Committee that everything was fine and we should ‘just have fun with it.’ So I guess everything’s cool.”
Public reactions to the idea of the Doping Olympics have been mixed. Some people have expressed concern for the safety of the athletes. Others are worried that the Olympic games are being turned into a spectacle and will distract people from the athletes who compete without performance-enhancing drugs. Some people, however, are all for the idea. One sports enthusiast commented, “I think the whole thing sounds pretty cool. I don’t really care that it’s more about scientists showing off their new drugs than athletes training hard. If I watch a 100-meter dash and some of the runners have six legs, I’m totally on board.”
The first round of the Doping Olympics is expected to take place during the summer of 2019 in the middle of the Sahara Desert, far away from any cities or large buildings. When asked about the the reason for the remote location, the committee president responded, “We don’t really know what to expect for the first time, so we want to have room for improvisation. If some of the mutated super athletes go out of control, we’re hoping this will prevent excessive casualties or property damage.” Regardless of its success, this experimental sporting event is sure to go down in history.
Will Cohan is a third-year cinema and photography major who can’t wait to watch synchronized swimming performed by actual mermaids. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.