Secures Win for Barron’s Game
A couple of weeks ago when President Trump traveled to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware, he went with Ivanka and not Melania. This had my inquisitive journalistic brain electrified. Is Ivanka now the First Lady? Is she really the first lady if President Trump is the 45th president? Wouldn’t she be the 45th Lady? Is Delaware large enough to have an air force base? The biggest question that weighed on my printing-press mind was what was Melania doing if not in Delaware? Delaware is so interesting. It’s a right triangle! And everything is shaped like right triangles! Who wouldn’t want to visit the geometric vacation hub of the U.S.? I can tell you because I’m a journalist: It’s Melania.
One of the great things about being a journalist is that we are all given Chihuahuas as our own periodical search dogs. My Chihuahua’s name is Google, and Google sniffed out Melania’s location in half a second: a park that is not in New Orleans.
Before I could enter the park, I was stopped by four secret service agents. They told me I couldn’t go in because there was a private event going on. However, their entire demeanor changed when I told them I was on assignment for The Ithacan. The agents squealed in excitement. I haven’t seen secret service agents this excited since their cameo in Men in Black. They went on to tell me that it’s their favorite newspaper, and it is actually the only place the President gets his news. One of them asked if The Ithacan could follow him back on Twitter. I said, “Maybe,” and with that I was let into the park.
I stepped on the grass and my reporter senses told me this is not your typical “stroll in the park with your partner and fake baby” grass, this is “game day” grass. Suddenly, everything made sense. Of course Melania couldn’t be in Delaware, not on the day of Barron’s soccer game. Melania has never missed one of Barron’s soccer games. She can’t. Not only does she need to be a good maternal figure for her son, but she is the First Lady of the United States (or the 45th Lady, I’m still not sure); which means she has to set the standard for soccer moms across the country.
The soccer league is an exclusive league for children of high ranking government officials. Barron’s team, the Green Stilettos, was going up against the tough Yellow Clogs. I spoke to Cathy Holahan — fellow soccer mom and wife to Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy — about the names of the teams, and she said, “We had a hard time coming up with names for the teams, and after a long series of debates and many government shutdowns, we decided that the only thing us politicians can agree on is shoes.”
I know as a journalist I took an oath to be as objective as possible, but even a dictionary — the most objective news source out there — would agree with me in saying that if the Trump Administration was as graceful as Melania Trump’s soccer mom attitude, then trumpet players around the world would feel comfortable calling their instruments “Donald” once more.
Even before the game started, Melania was still in full-on soccer mom mode. When Barron and his Stiletto teammates were stretching their hamstrings, Melania was right there cheering him on with her original hamstring stretch cheer which goes like, “I’ve never met Russia.” And when Barron started stretching his calves, she had a cheer for that too: “Stretch your calves so I can take a bath.”
Melania’s fervor only grew once the game started. The first time Barron touched the ball, Melania uncontrollably cheered and threw her Adidas sweatsuit jacket on the ground in excitement. Underneath the jacket, she was wearing a Green Stilettos jersey with “soccer mom” written on the back, but instead of having a number under her name, it just says “Britney Spears and I are the same.”
One of my favorite moments was about 20 minutes into the game. It looked like Barron tripped one of the boys from the Yellow Clogs. So the referee, played by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, gave Barron a yellow card. But before Barron could accept it, Melania ran onto the field, and no one could stop her because that would be a violation of Melania’s 8th Amendment: the right for Melania Trump to run across a field. Melania and Ginsberg argue and Melania ends up handing Ginsberg her green card in exchange for Barron’s yellow card. Before Ginsberg can say anything Melania walks away.
The game is over and the Green Stilettos come away with a 2-0 win against the Yellow Clogs, all thanks to Melania and her soccer mom attitude. Barron comes off the field and goes to give his mom a hug. The two embrace. Melania says, “I’m so proud of you.” Barron backs up. “Really?” he says with a soccer-ball-shaped tear falling down his face. He looks up, but Melania is not looking at him. She is looking at the soccer ball in the middle of the field. She runs, grabs the soccer ball, and cradles it like a baby: her baby. She kisses the top of the ball (also known as the ball’s forehead) and whispers, “There, there, Barron,” over and over again.
Ariella Ranz is a third-year writing for film, TV and emerging media major who still needs to follow back those secret service agents on Twitter. You can reach them at email@example.com.