No one liked them, but I’m publishing them anyway
This is my last issue here as Sawdust Editor so I figured I should do a cute little thing with some failed article pitches. Some were just not good, and some were only funny to me, and some are 2 edgy 4 me, but here are the pitches for you to finally see:
1) Sardonic Youtube comedians gear up for another year of sick fake iPhone ads.
This one was really funny to me. I remember there being so many stupid fake iPhone ads around the time of Apple’s annual product announcements. At first, they were kind of funny, but they’re generally pretty bad nowadays. How many times can you roast a cell phone, you know? I was hoping to kind of go into that, somehow, but it just didn’t work out.
2) Michael Moore Pats Self on the Back for Saying Something Liberal
Seriously, why even is Michael Moore? His movies are pretty annoying and he always finds stupid ways to show off how liberal he is. Remember that time he stood outside Trump Tower with a sign that said “We are all Muslim.” Shut up Michael Moore, you’re not Muslim. Or that time he spoke at the Women’s March and Ashley Judd had to shut him up about how he ran for mayor or something stupid. We get it Michael Moore, stop trying to prove it. Now go back to your 9/11 conspiracies or something and leave us alone.
3) Park Student Excited to Intern at ISIS for new IC Syria Program
It’s pretty obvious why we didn’t use this one. It didn’t even make it to becoming a pitch because it was pretty clearly not going to work out. I thought this would be funny as it’s the time of year where Park students pack up and move to Los Angeles, New York City, or London to get internships and study elsewhere, and everybody is talking about their great internships and interviews and how excited they are. But this one is too far so, RIP.
With that, I bid you adieu and reminisce on what could have been. But these probably were never meant to go anywhere, so I’m not too upset.
Jordan Aaron is a fourth-year studying Writing for Film, Television & Emerging Media. They wish people thought he was funnier. Reach them at email@example.com.