Star Wars: The Last Jedi opens with the words, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” If that’s true, then why were there a bunch of dumb humans in the trailer? FYI, humans originated on Earth. So right away, the movie lost me. You can’t go spouting bullshit alternative facts in the very first shot and expect me to take it seriously. I automatically hate this movie just like I hate everything else in the world, what a surprise.
Anyways, so what the fuck happens in this piece of shit? Well, there’s this big space battle and some ships blow up and who cares? Inside the ship, everyone’s feet were firmly planted on the ground. Obviously, this is impossible in space. People would be flying around like ragdolls. There’s this whiney, emo kid who’s mad about something. I think his name is Kylo Ren but someone calls him “Ben” later on so let’s just compromise with Kylo Ben.
Suddenly, the movie cuts to this island in the middle of the ocean and this girl named Rey is swinging around this giant laser sword like a madman. Like, we see her literally cut a rock in half with this thing. How is any of this safe? How does she have any of her limbs left? Why won’t someone cut me in half with a laser sword? What’s worse is that while she’s waving this glowing death stick around, there’s this creepy old man who’s just watching her. Like, he’s just staring at her the whole time and says some weird shit like, “I’ve never seen such power.” Yeah, okay dude, calm down.
But anyways, Kylo Ben’s pissed off because I guess Rey kicked his ass in the last movie so he’s trying to hunt her down. And he’s also got some history with the creepy old man on the island so he’s trying to find the them and kill them or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention. Kylo Ben’s also got a laser sword but his is red (red symbolizes anger for you nerds out there). He’s also working for this really ugly zombie-looking guy called Supreme Emperor Smoke.
Oh shit, I forgot about the telekinesis! So a bunch of the characters in this movie can literally move stuff with their minds. They can also choke each other! So why the fuck are they playing around with swords? Just throw giant rocks at each other. The telekinesis in this movie is called the “force” and everyone talks about it like it’s this spiritual thing. No, we don’t need another scene of someone meditating. I don’t need to be reminded of my own inability to feel. Just throw some shit! Jesus Christ!
Anothing thing that’s dumb is how they’re always going to these different planets. First of all, they’re traveling at light speed which is impossible. Your brain would explode or something if you went that fast. But seriously, they’re going to these weird planets that no one’s ever heard of and no one ever thinks to wear a spacesuit! Like, do all of these planets have the exact same atmosphere? When Kylo Ben steps out of his space ship on planet Whogivesafuck and he doesn’t start suffocating from lack of oxygen, he got lucky. I get angry at movies because there’s no one left in my life to lash out against. Everyone is gone. Also, I guess every planet has the same mass because gravity never fucking changes. God, this movie is so stupid.
Luckily, I had been drinking pretty consistently through my viewing so I didn’t have to suffer the movie sober. Alcohol is the only way to make my life bearable. It was around the point when Emperor Smoke force choked Kylo Ben that the eleven shots of vodka began to really hit me. I remember bits and pieces of the rest of the movie so let’s try to get through this.
Kylo Ben finds the old dude and they start beating the shit out of each other. A robot that looks like a trashcan beats up another robot that looks like a beach ball. Emperor Smoke makes the creepy old guy explode with his mind. There’s this other guy named Finn and he starts making out with the girl, Rey. Kylo Ben starts crying about something. He cries a lot. I hate Kylo Ben because he reminds me of myself. A spaceship blows up in a huge explosion. There’s no oxygen in space, stupid. Fire don’t work. Some shitty British robot with a red arm gets his head chopped off and then I woke up in a pool of my own vomit with a splitting headache. Oh god, someone help me.
1 star. Shit Wars.
Will Cohan is a third year cinema and photography whose favorite Star Wars in Attack of the Clones. You can reach them at [email protected].