Hear Him Roar
Ah. So many problems with the planet Earth and only Rex Tillerson can solve them all. Utilizing his brilliant corporate mindset, his end goal — or so it says on his LinkedIn — is to “Create an uber-organized world led by a Boy Scout military, with all our seas sludged an abalone-tint, our common land scattered with motorized robot-rigs roving for the very last drop of oil.”
“In truth though, I fucking hate my life,” Tillerson said out loud, to no one in particular while in line at the Foggy Bottom cafetorium. It was just a little past his bedtime. “The Donald chides me for trying too hard, for caring too much about America and our collective interest in making trillions off of carbon-nugget-soup, but I just can’t help myself. I know I have a higher-IQ than him and a way higher EQ, but I guess he can say what he wants because his net worth is more than mine.” While looking down-in-the-dumps, a man scooping Tillerson’s bureaucratic gruel into a dinosaur mug, brought by Tillerson, commented on the cuteness of it.
Raising the mug and pointing at various extinct reptiles, Tillerson thanked the man. “Thank you my fellow American, this here velociraptor and this here triceratops are what really keep this country running, heck, this world turning. I have to thank you for understanding how hard we dinosaurs and our supporters have it in this country.” Before the man could respond, Tillerson scooped up 27 plastic spoons and a knife from a cutlery cup and skipped away to a nearby empty table to enjoy his meal. Scrounging in his coat pocket for a vial of unrefined oil, he soon dropped a couple drops into his stoup.
“I don’t even have a car,” the worker said to me. “I ride my bike everywhere and try really hard to work on reducing my carbon footprint. I care about what is gonna happen later.”
“I don’t even have a car,” Tillerson mimicked, obviously still paying attention to us. “You get a listen of this guy? I mean who doesn’t have a car? What’s this guy gonna say next? He doesn’t eat meat, doesn’t use plastic?”
“I don’t eat meat,” the man replied from behind the long, dimly lit counter. “I actually care about what happens to this country, and all the people in this world. I used to eat all the animals I could, and now all I think about is the hundreds of screaming pigs, shrilling over-stuffed chickens, and corn-plumped cattle I’ve consumed. And I carry my own spork everywhere, thank you very much.”
Tillerson rose, grunting in pain while brandishing his mug filled with spoons and withdrew the lone plastic knife from among his cutlery collection, stabbing it into the air.
“Now you listen here, bud. I don’t care about anything you have to say. I do way more than you ever have, so respect me and my beliefs. My actions and me.”
“Now you listen here Secretary of State Rex Wayne Tillerson. I really, really don’t care about anything you have to say, but I do care about what you do.” The man rose slowly but surely from behind the counter. He kept rising and rising, bursting through the ceiling after a minute, Tillerson watching in awe. A bright flash came out of the man’s eyes, blinding everyone in the venue, with Tillerson screaming and covering his face.
The man had turned into a Argentinosaurus, the largest known herbivore dinosaur, easily weighing in at 100 tons. A little stomp by Argentinosaurus crushed Tillerson.
“I’m gonna go ride my bike home Rex, and please stop using our kind as fuel.”
Kirby Wilhelm is a third-year sociology major who definitely isn’t also a Dinosaur. Reach them at [email protected]