A Desperate Plea For Attention
Arcade Fire formed in 2001 in Montreal, Canada. Sixteen years later Arcade Fire can rest easy knowing they’ve made it. With their hit song Everything Now, they’ve achieved the impossible (for them), : a number one single! But does anyone care? Does anyone know who they are or give more than half a shit about them? I know I don’t. Lead singer Win Butler has a pathetic whisper of a voice, that when he sings never sounds like he takes a full breathe.
Butler and Arcade Fire are trying to ride the momentum of their number one single, but they’re failing. I’ve already forgotten who I’m writing this story about. I just checked, apparently it’s about some silly Canadian rock band. So to stay relevant, Arcade Fire concocted the ultimate publicity stunt.
As no one knows, lead singer Win Butler is married to band mate, Régine Chassagne (can her name get anymore french, mon dieu). But the drama heats up when you find out that Win Butler has secretly been sleeping around with every other member of the band. His grand idea to be notorious, is to stage a live birth of a new band member during their Infinite Content tour, on November 4th in Toronto at Air Canada Centre. The plan has been in the making since the end of January.
But simply having a live birth on stage between a man and wife isn’t scandalous enough. What paper would pick up the headline,“Two normal married people add an infant new band member grossing out the thirty-four people they convinced to buy tickets to their show?”
Knowing they needed to go outside the box, Arcade Fire concocted a scheme so outrageous I can’t even go into detail here lest I ruin the surprise.
…..Fuck it. Win Butler went behind his wife’s back and impregnated another member of the band, the only other woman who can be knocked up, Sarah Neufeld. Not only is this incredibly hush hush, but Sarah Neufeld is not, as the kids call it “a core member” so her band membership could be terminated if need be. I don’t know if Régine has the authority, but part of the scandal is that she isn’t in on the ‘Win impregnates Sarah and gives birth to a new band member on stage’ secret.
Sarah has to remain in the dark about who the father is, so the band has been lying to her, telling her that Win’s brother William (another band member) was the one who knocked up Sarah. Although this was intended to be a lie, it could actually be fact, since the impregnation occurred during a routinely scheduled band orgy.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, Régine would know if her husband was fucking other ladies, especially right in front of her during the debauchery. But the real kicker is that she is excluded from these orgies, mainly because she drives the band’s tour bus, and they go at it in the back bedroom with their own music drowning out the sound.
If the news gets out before the scheduled birth, I could be fired, or worse, blacklisted from covering this ridiculously irrelevant band. So you didn’t hear it from me.
Tessa More is a third year Journalism major who’s been waiting ten years for a baby band member. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.