Woman glues eyes shut, now happier than ever
Recently, a local Woman has discovered the positives of what initially appeared to be an unfortunate accident. In an attempt to find some piece in her rather distraught world, Mia Smith sat down for a day of making model airplanes. When asked about the incident, Ms. Smith had some surprising feedback. “I thought making model airplanes would make me happy, but what really did the trick was when my eyes got glued shut in the process.”
It seems as if gluing one’s eyes shut would be a traumatic and daunting experience, but when asked, Smith didn’t seem to hold any lasting regrets. “I was so enthusiastic about the idea of my eyes being glued shut; the only time I felt any trepidation was after I finished and realized how hard it was going to be to put the lid back on the glue and clean up after my models. That was my one moment of hesitation. But aside from that, I think it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
She has even noted some positives: “All of my senses are heightened, which can be good or bad depending how you look at it, and the only horrors I have to face are my own. This again, I suppose, can be good or bad. I do often find myself smelling the horrors of the world now, which when coupled with my heightened senses, makes me consider gluing my nostrils shut next. But that begs the question, with less senses active, will my remaining ones be even stronger? Who knows. Any one of my orifices can be a receptacle for badness. So I suppose there really is no avoiding all that’s wrong with the world is there? But with that being said, I still stand by my decision to glue my eyes shut. It may not solve all of my problems, but it certainly is a good first step.”
Now, Smith’s accident is beginning to gain traction among those who know her. “I told a few people about what happened,” she said, “And before I knew it, I was seeing all sorts of people with their eyes glued shut!” When called for commentary on why he would voluntarily glue his eyes closed, Todd Fisher responded, “Once I saw what Mia had done, and how happy it had made her, I had to try for myself. Now, I’m not one to be rash, and I wasn’t going to go into this blind, so to speak. So before actually gluing my eyes shut I did a bit of a trial- run where I walked around blind folded for a day. I only bumped into a few people and stubbed my toe once, so I considered that a success. I knew gluing my eyes shut was the right choice for me. I’ve been more relaxed ever since!”
Smith is not alone in her experience. Countless others have now come forward to share their experiences of gluing their eyes shut. While all participants experience some minor setbacks (stubbed toes, uncomfortably heightened senses, etc.) the vast majority is quite pleased with their experience. Spa manager Christy Bell has said, “Eye gluing is has become so popular. I’ve begun to offer it as a service at my spa as part of our “De-Stress” package. After a hot rock massage, the client has their eyes glued shut with our special blend of organic lavender aromatherapy glue. People love lavender. It’s so soothing.”
Eye gluing is clearly catching on. Now, with more people gluing their eyes shut, what is now a fad may very well become commonplace in the near future. Who knows what holes on the human body will be the next to be cordoned off?
Emily Ehrenberg is a first-year integrated marketing communications major who was still eating glue in middle school. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.