Libertarian nominee gracefully accepts defeat
Fellow Americans, this election has certainly been one of the most important ones our party has ever seen. Not only did we Libertarians get a whopping seven percent of the vote, but we also managed to get out of this thing pretty clean.
I mean, yeah, sure, I didn’t know what Aleppo was but I’m fairly certain no one really knew what Aleppo was until I embarrassed myself on TV. In some ways, I’d even suggest that my taking the hit on that shows my service and responsibility for this country – but I digress.
Of course I have to congratulate my opponent, Hillary Clinton, who I once thought I met while waiting in line at Shake Fountain back in Santa Fe but actually have never met in person. Boy did she really pick the right guy to run against! I mean, I have to imagine at least four or five of the Republican candidates could have actually competed with her.
I also have to congratulate the totalitarian menace to what we Libertarians like to call the eetsie beetsie teenie weenie yellow polka dot government, Donald Trump, who also beat me. Yes, this means I have lost to two candidate two elections in a row. But hey, that’s fine, let Gary do Gary and I’ll let you do you. And while I’ve come in third place once again, I can at least safely say that I am not Jill Stein, am I right guys? Like seriously, what’s going on there? The woman is crazy. She actually said we shouldn’t expose children to Wifi due to health concerns. I think we should rename the Libertarian party to the Not-the-Green-Party Party.
Anyways, we need to continue this party’s progress. My current plan is to crawl back into my hole in New Mexico and keep trying to veto everything that comes my way: bills, clothing options, Corey Feldman albums, the whole gambit, because that’s what we Libertarians do. We take progress and we tell it “No. Don’t do that.” We quietly and ignorantly ask progress to happen on its own because competition can fix all things, right? Right.
I’m also going to continue fighting to tear down the atrocities the federal government has imposed on us for so many years. This means dismantling the department of education, all military programs, all health care programs and many others. That’s right, local fire department, I’m coming for you too!
So we will stick out the next four years of stupid, old progress, and come 2020, the Libertarian party will rise and, so help me God, this will be the United States of Johnson.
Jordan is a third-year Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who spent mischief night this year smashing peoples’ decorative pumpkin spice lattes. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.