College student pretends to know what ISIS is
Junior college student Mike Lawrence was at a loss for words when his politics class began a discussion about the United States’ response to ISIS. Lawrence began the discussion by looking intently at all those participating in order to seem both interested and knowledgeable in the topic.
When the professor finally singled out Lawrence and asked him to share his opinions on ISIS with the class, he reportedly asked “who are those guys again?” before the classroom burst into laughter.
“They all thought it was a joke,” Lawrencesaid. “I really have no goddamn idea who ISIS is.”
When the professor began to probe Lawrence for a more serious answer, he continued to pretend his answers were jokes in a feeble attempt at covering up his sheer stupidity.
“That’s that disease that everyone’s getting in Africa, right?” Lawrence asked to more uproarious laughter. He then asked to go to the bathroom, where he checked Wikipedia.
According to Joe Larimore, a freshman student in the class, the teacher denied Lawrence the request to go to the bathroom until he provided an adequate answer. Lawrence then muttered something about hating George W. Bush, white privilege and the beautiful sweater his teacher was wearing before he was finally let off the hook.
Attractive junior Tessa Dean was surprised that a normally quiet student resorted to such juvenile jokes.
“I was surprised that Mike was being such a clown,” Dean said. “He seems like a pretty good kid usually. He stares at me a lot,”
Lawrence himself was pleased with the outcome.
“Yeah, I’ll figure out what ISIS is later. Tessa seemed pretty impressed though. I’ll probably be getting laid this weekend,” Lawrence said.
Professor Sylvia Durst was unclear on Lawrence’s intentions, but remained confident in his abilities anyway.
“I’m not sure what kind of biting political satire Lawrence was trying to pull off in class today. He goes over my head sometimes. But he sure does like my sweaters,” Durst said.
Durst allegedly struggled to conclude the class after Lawrence ruined the conversation. When she tried to end the discussion by asking the students if they had any more thoughts about impossibly scary Islamic shit, she was met with many confused stares.
Know-it-all junior Larry Milkinson then asked Durst what she meant by impossibly scary Islamic shit, to which she responded “That’s what ISIS stands for. Come on, Milkinson, you obnoxious know-it-all.”
After the majority of the class told Durst they were pretty sure ISIS stood for something else, Durst looked embarrassedly down at her patterned Christmas sweater and claimed she was just trying to be funny.
There was a long moment of painful silence before Lawrence rectified the situation by complimenting Durst on her blaringly red holiday sweater.
“Somebody had to save the day. Tessa was all over it” said Lawrence.
Attractive junior Tessa Dean was surprised to find that no one had any idea what ISIS is.
“I think everyone was just pretending to know about ISIS. Professor Durst sucks. And Mike’s nice but his sweater comment was lame. I mean come on, dude,” Dean said.
Durst reportedly tried to save face by letting the students go early and cancelling the final exam.
“They’re really a remarkable class. They don’t need to know anymore,” Dean said. “So instead, during our final exam I think we’ll just go see the new Star Wars. It comes out at the same time and those hardworking students need a break, you know?”
Ethan Cannon is a sophomore television and radio major who is obsessed with knowing the real truth, man. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.